To Have & To Hold

The difficult beauty of marriage and divorce.

Are you the same person you used to be? This was the title of a fascinating article I read late last year in The New Yorker. I’m definitely not.

December 4th marked ten years since my divorce was finalized. Ten years! Many of you may not know that I was married previously — My first marriage happened when I was very young, just 21 years old. I was swept up in love and thought I was going to spend my life with this person.

My ex-husband left unexpectedly, nearly 4 years after our wedding. I spent a long time feeling like a victim, dwelling in my confusion and pain. He didn’t know how to communicate. I was emotionally immature. I felt the deepest hurt, sadness and loneliness that I have ever experienced.

The months that followed felt tumultuous. Up and down. Hope and despair. He didn’t know what he wanted, so every day I would hear a car going by and jump up to see if it was him pulling into the driveway. Coming home.

We met initially over MySpace (how old does this make me sound?!). I worked with his older brother, and one day I opened my messages to a note from him. He was thinking about making the move to Nashville, and for several months, we wrote to each other almost every day.

I can see now how his decision to pack his bags that cold evening started me on a lifelong journey, one that has brought me closer to my true self than I ever could have imagined. If I didn’t know myself, how could I possibly know someone else? Was I even happy? What did I want? I started seeing a therapist for the first time, who helped me to get to know myself more deeply, regain my power and rebuild.

Poet David Whyte says “the only cure for grief is grief itself.” I’m not going to act like I have any right words or answers, because I don’t and relationships are really fucking hard. I wish there was a tutorial book for this kind of stuff. For me, in that period of life, I learned to focus on the micro. To ground myself in the simple joys. It may sound cheesy, but a good song on the radio, a flower blooming through the sidewalk, a stranger’s smile… these littlest moments helped me through. An old acquaintance used to text me randomly, “Happy Friday! You made it through another week!” and I cherished those messages so very much, and the tiny inkling of pride I would feel even for a brief second. I slowly began to build up my inner strength, learned to label my feelings and behaviors, quiet the stories I was telling myself, and find nourishment in new ways. I had spent most of my life at surface level, and was finally establishing a deep-rooted foundation for — and with — myself.

In her book The Year of Magical Thinking, Joan Didion wrote about the heartbreak and challenges during a dark period of her life. “I learned to find equal meaning in the repeated rituals of domestic life. Setting the table. Lighting the candles. Building the fire. Cooking. All those soufflés, all that crème caramel, all those daubes and albóndigas and gumbos. Clean sheets, stacks of clean towels, hurricane lamps for storms, enough water and food to see us through whatever geological event came our way. These fragments I have shored against my ruins, were the words that came to mind then. These fragments mattered to me. I believed in them.”

December 12th marked seven years married to my deepest, truest love. Seven years! My marriage is far from perfect, but I am so grateful for the partnership that I have with Dan. He’s in his head a lot, and I’m in my heart a lot. He helps me to be more logical and less reactive, and I help him to connect with his emotions and push outside his comfort zone. He is slow, steady and patient. He is the first person I’ve ever felt truly seen by.

Dan and I actually met way back when I was 19 years old, and I joke that our relationship never would’ve worked back then (and clearly it did not, LOL). We reconnected years later, after my divorce, in a time where I wasn’t sure I even believed in marriage. One of our earliest hangs (still as friends) was at Fido coffee shop in Nashville. I walked back to my car alone afterwards, sat down, and much to my surprise blurted out, “I think I’m going to marry Dan.” I wasn’t even sure I liked him like that yet.

Another one of the greatest, most unexpected gifts to come out of all of this has been the honor and privilege to walk through break-ups, marriages and divorce with others. Even in the most amicable of situations, separation is often difficult and devastating. So go ahead, notice the blooms. Take a walk at sunset. Cry on your living room floor. A rewrite is always possible.

I’m here for you if you need anything.

Love,
Elise

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NOTEWORTHY

—What The Longest Study On Human Happiness Found Is The Key To A Good Life.

—This lip sleeping mask that I can’t live without. And yes, I use it all day long. 💋

—Couples Therapy on Showtime is a compelling, deep dive into the world of relationship counseling, and oh so very real. There are 3 seasons and Dan and I have watched all of them together. It is intense and fascinating to peek behind the curtain of other relationships, and it always led us to some interesting chats.

—The Thrilling New Science Of Awe. A wonderful On Being conversation with Dacher Keltner, a psychology professor who has investigated how emotions are coded in the muscles of our faces, was called on as Emojis evolved and consulted on the groundbreaking movie Inside Out.

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PLEASURE

I’m thrilled to share that Moondance candles are officially back! This customer favorite from my previous shop Goodwin is back with a delightful new look and same familiar fragrance for Duende. Hints of rosewood, cedar, fresh cut wood and sandalwood create a warm balance fit for every season. They make a great gift for yourself or a loved one!

With the relaunch of our special candles, there’s a new mixtape for you this month, too — Duende Ritual Sounds, Vol. II — a romantic, moody ode to Europe in the ‘60s and ‘70s.

In love with everything the Gohar sisters do, and this Valentine’s Day collection puts a huge smile on my face. I never knew I needed a lace toilet roll cover so badly.

I can’t stop listening to this Rozi Plain album that came out last month.

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CONTEMPLATING

How Long Does It Take To Fix A Marriage? Great, simple advice on “turning toward” your partner from John and Julie Gottman’s latest book.

The Mid-30s Awkward Phase No One Tells You About. This line was like a sucker punch to the gut: “You are never more aware of how special and unique you aren’t, then at 35 when you’re just paddling along and doing things and not breaking any records for being old nor young while doing them.”

This Black History Month, I’m Stuck Thinking About The Present. “I can use this Black History Month to celebrate Black life even while I mourn Black death.” Brea Baker’s powerful words in ELLE.

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Photo Credit: Stefan Micheel & HS Winkler, Kuss, Pergamon Museum, Berlin 1993.

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