Breaking Point
And the importance of paying attention to your inner voice.
I keep thinking about something my psychiatrist said to me. It wasn’t particularly groundbreaking, and yet it has stuck with me for several months now.
Let me back up just a bit. Early this year, my therapist Jaimi (who I’m so incredibly grateful to have found here in LA), gently proposed the idea that I might be struggling with depression — maybe even some low level of depression for most of my life. In that moment, both grief and relief rushed over me. I felt seen, acknowledged, and understood.
Over the next few months, my eyes opened and I began to really see how depression had woven itself throughout my years in different ways. I leaned into my husband and friends for support and input, though I found myself reluctant to take any action steps towards meeting with an actual psychiatrist. I wasn’t wrestling so much with the idea that I might be clinically diagnosed with depression, I was nervous about going on medication. I’ve always been the “doctor-visit-as-a-last-resort” type person, for no particular reason (I once rubbed ghee all over my hive-inflamed body to try to ease the itch, and I do not recommend this haha). Between the expense of an evaluation and follow-ups, general anxiety (especially around anything health-related) and being on a fertility journey, I was hesitant to add any potential disruptor to the mix. Finally, one of my dearest friends said to me, “You’ve got to put your oxygen mask on first, before a baby or anyone else’s.” My eyes filled with tears and I knew it was time.
Finally, in August, I met with a psychiatrist and he was fantastic. I unpacked my life and the past few years — feeling directionless and unmotivated in my career, feeling consumed with trying to start a family, feeling disconnected and lonely in a brand new city. Many unknowns and many big questions. At the end of our conversation, he encouraged me to work on reframing my mindset. I was so stuck on the question marks and fear and lack, that I was not able to see the possibility and beauty that was here waiting for me. Not only that, but I could feel his genuine enthusiasm and excitement for what’s to come on my journey. This was an opportunity: What do I want to create in my life? What’s stopping me or holding me back? The answer is almost always me.
It was a simple concept, but it has found its way to my thoughts each and every day. It’s what influenced me to finally start this newsletter, too. It has been such a pleasure to be vulnerable here, to allow myself to process some things through writing, and to connect with you all in a deeper and more meaningful way. I tend to be a big dreamer and future thinker, but had felt a bit stuck and lackluster after closing my shop in 2019. I realized that I hadn’t really allowed myself to dream too much beyond the store, since it had been a childhood dream and something I initially envisioned for the long-term.
Antidepressants have changed my life. But I have also worked to change my life, and my internal landscape. Medicine has helped to part the clouds and allow space to feel with less judgement and attachment, to experience my days with more passion and aliveness, to savor joyful moments and to remain grounded amidst my waves of emotions.
So while there are still plenty of unknowns, I’m also beginning to see stepping stones along my path. I’ve been bursting at the seams with ideas and creativity this past month (my Notes app is getting out of control), in a way I haven’t truly been since a handful of years ago. It is a huge gift and I’m leaning in, saying yes, and following my gut. I’ve been able to see random thoughts and seeds of ideas from over the years find alignment and make sense in a whole different light.
I’ve been fueled by these new ideas, some of which I’m excited to share with you today. Duende is evolving into a collective — a multidisciplinary exploration of both past and present. While I continue to share vintage objects and furniture pieces, I’m also bringing together my interests and passions in a new way, with a focus on ritual, intention, meaning and connection.
Lighting incense when I get out of bed is a favorite daily ritual of mine, so I’m thrilled that Duende’s first custom offering is a hand-sculpted ceramic incense holder — a simple pleasure and way to increase calm and focus. I’ve partnered with my friend Rebekka Seale of Finea, who I had the joy of briefly sharing a workspace with back in Nashville. Her thoughtfulness and eye for detail makes these extra special. I knew she’d be the perfect artist to collaborate with — each piece is unique, molded by hand from a sensory textured stoneware in two colorways.
There’s so much more to share with you, with time. My goal is to move very slowly and carefully with this new endeavor, and to listen to my intuition along the way. I’m grateful for this shifting lens and fresh perspective — sometimes the smallest tweak helps to uncover what was there all along.
Sending you lots of love and warmth this holiday season.
Your Friend,
Elise
P.S. I understand my privilege to be able to afford therapy, medication and healthcare, and to have easy access to a variety of resources. I’m donating $1 of every Duende sale this month to The Loveland Foundation, an organization bringing opportunity and healing to communities of color through therapy, fellowships, residency programs and more.
NOTEWORTHY
—Elise’s Loehnen’s poignant blog post on transitions.
—This game-changing herb stripper (discovered via my friend Kristine) that I’m gifting everyone this year. Doesn’t hurt that it’s beautiful to look at, too!
—Words on self-celebration from Alex Elle. I highly recommend her newsletter called Gratitude Journal that just moved to Substack.
—Stutz on Netflix is a must-watch. Jonah Hill sits down for candid conversations with his psychiatrist Phil Stutz, and shares his incredibly helpful tools for navigating life. I’ve never watched anything quite like it.
PLEASURE
Kendrick Lamar is one of the greatest artists of our time. His new music video for “Rich Spirit” is just so so good.
Dan and I made a new mixtape for you this month — Duende Ritual Sounds, Vol. I — an instrumental soundtrack to accompany a slow morning, preferably while burning incense. But ‘tis the season too, so if you’re in the mood for some holiday tunes, here’s an older mixtape of some festive classics.
Speaking of rituals and incense burning — my top two favorites to use around the house are Wonder Valley’s Oud sticks and Blackbird’s Gorgo cones. You may or may not get one included if you purchase a Duende incense holder. 🙃
Actual footage of me coming back to life, lol.
CONTEMPLATING
Have A Plan, And Be Willing To Abandon It. The incredible George Saunders on his creative process.
It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Holiday Social Anxiety. Some ways to take care during the busy holiday season.
These great journal prompts from The Moon Lists newsletter. I’m sure you’ve heard me previously sing the praises of these thoughtful workbooks.
Photo Credit: Detail from a painting by Anna Weyant.
Thank you for sharing. I am loving your newsletter. ❤️