I’m not sure what it was that led me down the rabbit hole of curio — or more specifically, the origin and history of the curio cabinet. I scroll through so many unique antiques each day (via online auctions, FB Marketplace, IG, estate sales, Pinterest, etcetera), and I’ve often been enthralled by what leads people to collect specific items.

Cabinets of curiosities, also known as cabinets of wonder or Wunderkammer, emerged in Europe during the 16th century, particularly among royalty and wealthy aristocrats. Entire rooms were dedicated to displaying collections of things like exotic plants and animals (even ‘monsters’), sculptures or fine art, scientific instruments like clocks or astrolabes, rare antiques or unusual objects from faraway lands.

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Over the years, these room-sized cabinets evolved into smaller furniture pieces and drawers. Guides were even created to teach collectors about proper preservation and display of said curiosities, precious heirlooms and artifacts. These were not just about practicality or aesthetics, but about learning, scientific exploration, and showcasing prized possessions acquired through (sometimes true but mostly fabricated stories of) conquests, trade or inheritance.

Curio cabinets were early ancestors to today’s modern museums, and reflected a fascination with the wondrous and unusual aspects of the world. “Unusual” is a word that I felt a lot during my exploration — a quick Google search and I found someone who displayed 1098 tubes of Pringles chips, another who saved fortune cookie messages for over 20 years, and even a group with nearly 30,000 nail clippings (ew).

These collections reveal so much about a person, and remind me of my own (yet slightly more refined, lol) Duende series, which I plan to bring back to Substack very soon! I’ve always believed that our possessions go far beyond the physical — they preserve memories, shape identity, encourage ritual and embody experiences and loved ones. The things that we surround ourselves with are not simply functional, beautiful, unusual, or aspirational: they encompass a soul and presence all their own.

I’m in favor of bringing the curio cabinet back. My dad used to collect lighthouses and display golf balls when I was growing up, and I’ve always loved saving matchbooks from various restaurants, flea markets, weddings or travels in a bowl on my coffee table. Show me your weird little collections!

Love,
Elise

* Content Warning: fertility struggles, grief and loss *

I have a random memory from my high school Spanish class — I think it was my junior year. We were still learning the basics: vocabulary, grammar, reading, writing and speaking. I had to get up in front of the class to introduce myself, include some numbers, and share a fun fact about me (cringe).

Hola, me llamo Elisa. Me gustaría formar una familia cuando tenga 23 años e idealmente tener cuatro hijos.

Or maybe I wanted to get married at 23? Either way, I distinctly remember talking about being 23, which seemed lightyears away when only a ripe 16. And wait, I wanted four kids?! My southern, Bible Belt roots were showing (I ended up married at 21, divorced at 25, married again at 28, and have no children now at 38 — but more on all that another time).

I always thought I’d have a family. It was ingrained in me, it wasn’t really even a question, or a choice. I loved kids, babysat throughout high school (I even nannied for the kids whose dad created the Koosh ball toy, lol). I recall running my fingers over the Anthropologie clothes lining a successful working mom’s closet, in her big expensive house, driving her fancy SUV to pick up her children, envisioning my own similar future one day.

Was this what I really wanted, or was it wanted for me?

Fast forward to 2020, in the midst of early pandemic days when things were so uncertain. Dan and I were ready, whatever that means. I knew realistically that it probably wouldn’t happen right away, though nothing can prepare you for the process until you’re in it. Day in and day out. The cramping that just maaaaybe is a sign of implantation. The sore boobs that surely must mean I’m pregnant. Anxiety each time I sat down on the toilet. Praying I wouldn’t wipe and find blood again. The all-consuming, minute by minute rollercoaster of grief.

Everything in the world around us seemed so out of control, perhaps this was the one decision we could control for ourselves.

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After a couple months of trying, we had a chemical pregnancy. Three positive tests, some phone calls with doctors, and several days later… a gushing of blood. Another friend calls with their happy news. Oops, we weren’t even trying! Maybe you feel a twinge of gladness for them deep down, but also, fuck them. Even the glowing pregnant stranger walking by on the street — I idolized her while cursing her under my breath. My empty arms and heavy heart were dragging me deeper into darkness.

All my friends were becoming moms. I begrudgingly co-hosted a virtual, long-distance baby shower while driving to Minnesota to meet my newborn niece. I hid the video, muted the speakerphone and cried the entire time. I felt like a failure, like I wasn’t hitting all the benchmarks that I should have been in my thirties. No obvious career path, no child to point to, no money to fall back on.

A few panic attacks later, following a cross-country move and over a year of TTC, I could barely get out of bed. We finally visited a fertility clinic in Los Angeles and I started on antidepressants. TTC means “trying to conceive,” by the way. Short-forms and language that once seemed foreign became a part of my new identity: TTC, RE, 2WW, BBT, FSH, HSG, IUI, IVF.

So. many. fucking. acronyms. I learned all about progesterone and cervical mucus. I was so desperate that I’d even send photos and videos of my sticky discharge to a friend who worked at a birthing center. Was this a sign of ovulation? Am I in my fertile window?

“Unexplained infertility,” the most frustrating diagnosis of all. No glaring issues. A feeling of defeat. A glimmer of hope. An unresolved question. No satisfactory explanations. In the exam room next door, I hear a doctor happily exclaim “congratulations!” to another patient.

Waiting room after waiting room, test after test, bloodwork samples, semen analyses. There are so many ways to have a family, and I wished so desperately for it to happen via a passionate sex-filled evening with my husband, though it almost always felt like anything but that. We decided to move forward with the doctor’s recommendation to start with IUI, or intrauterine insemination — a type of fertility treatment that involves placing sperm inside the uterus close to the fallopian tubes in order to increase the chances of conceiving. The success rate typically ranges from only 10-20% per cycle.

I started repeating affirmations and coping statements — I had 46 of them written in my Notes app and read them aloud to myself every morning. My body has everything it needs. I trust in the timing of my life. My baby is coming: I may not know how, I may not know when, but I am willing to wait for my baby.

At night, my husband would prepare the hormone injections, rub my belly with an alcohol wipe, and hold my hand as I injected the shots into my abdomen, alternating between the left and right side each time. Our bathroom smelled like a hospital room for months. I had to stop getting acupuncture — too many needles. I starting seeing a therapist who had struggled with infertility herself, and I set boundaries with friends and family members. I wrote in my Five Minute Journal, which was all I could seemingly muster in a day. I found “fertility friends” who built me up and empowered me along my journey. It’s long, windy and painful, and no story is the same. If you are reading this and resonate with any of these words, I am sending you all of my love.

After three failed rounds of IUI, we needed a break. My hormones and emotions were wreaking havoc on every area of my life. Dan and I chatted with the doctor and knew we’d need to save up financially before considering the next (and more expensive and invasive) step of IVF. We were already $20k in the hole from our first attempts.

Eventually, for the very first time, we began to ask ourselves what our lives might look like together if we didn’t have children. I had been too afraid for too long to even consider this thought — superstitious and ashamed when my body felt like it was failing me. Dan is the person I’d be so excited to create a family with, but he is also the person that I’d be so excited to not have a family with. I’m so lucky and grateful for that.

While nothing is quite this simple, the conversation unlocked something new and curious deep down in both of us. We have allowed time (years) and space to grieve, to check in, to dream both ways, to change our minds, but we feel overwhelming peace in our ultimate decision: to not have children.

As I’ve untangled layer upon layer of questions, dreams, and expectations, I’ve found so much unexpected healing and ease. I think, in some ways, infertility led me to a deeper, more raw and inward place. I’ve learned so much about myself that I want to continue to explore — about desire, gratitude, mystery, belonging, wholeness, love.

It only has to make sense to you.

Since this decision, I have had a newfound energy and capacity for kids of all ages. We hosted our friends’ 4-year-old’s birthday party at our pool — melted popsicles everywhere, the kids climbing on the tables and peeing in the pool. I loved it. Some of our dear Danish friends visited with their three-month-old in tow, and he fell asleep in my arms and I refused to move. I sat outside alone for hours watching him coo, in awe of this beautiful, perfect, sleeping baby. My arms fell asleep but I just couldn’t care, I wanted to cherish such a precious moment.

I see so much of my younger self in my niece, who is four and a half now. When I look into her big gorgeous blue eyes (don’t even get me started on her eyelashes), I see my own childlike joy, wonder and innocence. I may not have recognized this as much if my life had taken a different direction.

What feels like joy today may feel like grief tomorrow. New paths reveal themselves. The view changes once you start walking. I think life will ultimately continue to feel this way — the both/and thing I talk so much about. I will always carry grief and questions, even amidst the peace and contentment. I can’t help but imagine how sweet my husband would be as a father, if our daughter would have his piercing eyes or my curly hair. What would it feel like to be a mother?

I took a selfie of us holding up the positive pregnancy tests in those earliest days. I wonder now, who are those people? I’m sure our lives would be so beautiful with children, and I know our lives will still be just as beautiful without them. Replace the word “beautiful” with any word, really (hard, meaningful, special, loving, heavy, purposeful, joy-filled, complicated).

Maybe younger Elise would be shattered by these thoughts, but not me. I feel loose. Free. Alive. Like there exists an opening for things I haven’t yet imagined. What might my future hold? What path is being cleared for me, that I may not have been able to see if I had assumed this identity of mother?

“And then comes the reassembled self, the self you have to put back together.” - Nick Cave, from Faith, Hope and Carnage

Photo Credit: ‘The Travelling Companions’, 1862, oil-on-canvas painting by British artist Augustus Leopold Egg.

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Hiiiii, hope your week is off to a nice start. A few things:

1. Been listening to sooo much good music lately, and needed to share a mixtape me and put together that’s calling in all the spring vibes. ♫

2. is back from a brief intermission — and today we’re talking about the lost art of boredom.

3. Thinking a lot about the complicated topic of aging lately: how it feels, what it means, and what we wish we’d known sooner. For an upcoming podcast episode, and I are gathering voices to help explore this from all angles. These are a few of the questions we’ve been sitting with, that we’d love to hear from you on!

Lots o’ love,
Elise

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The older I get, the more simple of a life I crave. I’m so worn out seeing article after article around how to age gracefully, ways to slow the aging process, why everyone is dissolving their fillers, what the latest cutting-edge skin treatment is, etcetera etcetera. In this youth-obsessed culture, it’s easy to dread or fear each passing year, and as I round the corner to 40, I’m learning to carry my grief a little more lightly. I’m finding more awe and joy in everyday life, I’m laughing hysterically and I’m crying harder. I am feeling both confusion and uncertainty while also experiencing a deeper knowing. I’m feeling connected and like I finally belong, and I’m also wondering what my place is in all of this — or if it’s really any of my business to be asking that question in the first place. It’s both/and; it’s always both/and.

There is a physical, societal “disappearing” that tends to come into the conversation around women as we age, but with every decade of life arises new wisdom, confidence and a certain kind of beauty not afforded by youth. Instead of defending my limitations, I want to invite in curiosity, expansion and possibility.

I may have more pronounced 11 lines these days, but I also feel a greater power and freedom from within. Getting older is a privilege and I don’t want to take it for granted. My arms are wide open welcoming a life that others may or may not understand. I’m learning that what I look like is less of an issue, and what I am seems to be the point.

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Aging is a topic that I find so very layered and fascinating, and and I are working on a special podcast on this very subject. In order to make the episode extra meaningful and varied, I’ve got a big ask… we need you to contribute! All stories will be shared anonymously. It doesn’t matter your age, gender, life stage — we’d love to hear from you. Ask your kids even, or call your aunt and press record!

We are collecting voicemails through our Plain View hotline (side note: I’ve cried every time we’ve received a voice message 🥹). I know it can be scary to make a phone call, but I promise it will go straight to the voicemail box. Easy peasy. If any of the below questions resonate for you or bring to mind something personal, I’d love to invite you to share by calling (925) 247-VIEW. Don’t forget to include your age, too!

1. When did it feel like your life really began? Or are you still waiting for this feeling?

2. What do you want younger people to know about the age you are now?

3. What are you nostalgic for, or what is one of your favorite memories?

4. What has surprised you the most about growing older?

5. What is something you’re looking forward to — big or small?

If a voice note feels too intimate, you can respond directly to this email, send us a DM @plai.nview or email us at plainviewworld@gmail.com.

Can’t wait to hear from you!

With love,
Elise

NOTEWORTHY

—81-year-old Carly Simon offers some “beauty tips,” lol. More of this, please.

— and I are halfway through season one of the podcast (Episode 5 is a favorite and came out last week), and we’re taking a brief intermission. Let us know if you have any topic recommendations or questions!

—“Every form is difficult, no one is easier than another. They all kick your ass.” James Baldwin is talking about writing with The Paris Review in 1984, but it feels much more widely applicable than that.

PLEASURE

The Gramparents Instagram account always makes me so happy. How cool is she? And how iconic is this guy?

I’m SO late to the game (27 years to be exact 😂), but I’ve finally started Sex and The City and… I’m hooked. It’s fun to see NYC in the 90s — so romantic — and reminds me of my old hobby.

Cameron Winter is a 22-year-old recent discovery, and I can’t stop listening to his genre-bending, captivating tunes. He somehow sounds like he’s existed forever.

CONTEMPLATING

Fashion Neurosis with Bella Freud and Susie Cave. I could not be more obsessed with this show, and their relationship is such a testament to the power and longevity of female friendships.

Bowen Yang Is Number One. “I think the thing about your 30s is that you have to start facing yourself. It’s such an eye rolly thing to say.” Woof, but so true.

How To Be A Happy 85-Year-Old (Like Me). I had sweet, happy tears in my eyes reading this charming piece by Roger Rosenblatt.

Photo Credit: From The Overview: Meditations on Nature for a World in Transition by photographer Ben Toms.

It’s been a minute since I’ve thrown together a lil collage of things floating around in my mind. If you’re in the mood to look, peruse, listen or shop — you’re in luck today. Come along!

The Employees by Olga Ravn
I first learned about this book from my friend Lola’s Duende feature, and I finally read it earlier this year. It’s short, bizarre and held my interest, and I’ve passed it on to quite a few friends.

Reese Blutstein @double3xposure
Reese and her twin sister Molly have the coolest style. I love how they put looks together, and I went poking around for the top after Reese posted this selfie to Stories yesterday. I can’t seem to find it! Please share if you know.

Jersey Boxers from Industry of All Nations
I’ve gotten super into boxer shorts this spring and love lounging around in them while also feeling cute.

Sculptural Ceramic Teapot by Nadeige Choplet
Casa Shop always curates the best vintage and antique goods, and their Rare Collection is extra special — this teapot is clearly no exception.

‘Nobody New’ by The Marías
I love The Marías’ Submarine album, and they just put out two new songs that have been nailing me. ‘Back To Me’ is also such a vibe.

Lighting by 𝔚𝔯𝔢𝔱𝔠𝔥𝔢𝔡 𝔉𝔩𝔬𝔴𝔢𝔯𝔰
Everything the design studio of husband-wife duo Loney Abrams and Johnny Stanish creates is so inherently cool, and I dream of having one of their lighting pieces in my home someday.

SOFT TECH Lookbook from KkCo
Definitely one of my favorite fashion designers — KkCo’s FW25 collection is all I want to wear. This look in particular might become my whole personality.

Soft Services, Theraplush Overnight Repair Treatment
I turned another year older this month and my hands are starting to look and feel more dry and crepey, wah-wah. I’ve heard great things about this hand cream with retinol, plus it comes in a perfect refillable container and looks great beside the bed for easy access.

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Spicy Citrus Seasoning by Flamingo Estate
I posted about this recently on Instagram and truly can’t stop eating it. I can’t seem to find a link online anymore but it’s delicious on nearly everything — a combo of lemon lime, sea salt, cilantro and jalapeño. My fave way to enjoy it is with a toasted English muffin, herb garlic cashew cheese, a plump slice of heirloom tomato, a glug of good olive oil and this to top it off.

Sunnei TU ISI Sneakers
I desperately need some new shoes but feel paralyzed by decisions at the moment. These Sunnei lowtop lace-ups are a top contender. I mean… this color combo?!

Crushed Strawberry Vinegar by Kosterina
Shrub city, bitch. My friends and I have gotten super into these non-alcoholic concoctions lately, and I’m looking for a bar tray so I can create the perfect “vinegar bar” — like a cocktail bar but just vinegars, lol. This stuff paired simply with lime Topo Chico is divine. Add a sprig of basil if you’ve got it.

Citroën Karin designed by Trevor Fiore, 1980
I came across this car from the Paris Motor Show originally on Instagram and, man, wouldn’t it be so fun for a joyride? The three-seat layout positions the driver in the center which I bet would feel so trippy.

Acute Bandana Headband by Sandy Liang
Always seem to be tying things under my chin lately — be it my Studio Kelsey knit bandana or hopefully soon, this quirky bandana headband.

Dana Necklace by Justine Clenquet
I’m sad to admit that I’m not much of a jewelry-wearing person, but I’ve been considering a necklace and this double layered piece from Maimoun caught my eye.

Pierce & Ward Floral Grid Pillow Cover
The entire Pierce & Ward for West Elm collection is so so charming. Fun fact: the design studio is Nashville-founded (my hometown!). The prices are reasonable for these pieces, and it features really unique patterns, textures and shapes. Get it while the gettin’ is good.

Fish Bottle Opener
A cute cast aluminum bottle opener that makes me smile (helpful when opening Topo Chico bottles for aforementioned shrubs).

Vintage Facebook Marketplace Finds
The alabaster stone urn and the round wooden dresser are pieces I scouted on Facebook Marketplace but devastatingly missed out on. How incredible would that dresser be refinished and with different knobs?! It was only $200, too. 😭 My ideal keywords to search of late are: iron, heavy, Italian, stone. The more descriptive, the better!

That’s all for now, but I’ll be back soon with some thoughts I’ve been exploring on aging. Thanks for joining me down today’s inspiration rabbit hole.

Love,
Elise

P.S. Biggest thank you to everyone who has written or left messages about my new podcast . Claggie and I are endlessly grateful for all the kind words, shares and listens. They come out every Monday on Spotify and Apple, and so far we’ve got 4 episodes ranging from loneliness to imposter syndrome to self-worth to stress. We love hearing about what each theme brings up for you and how the conversations are resonating. And please do reach out if you have any topic suggestions for us!

I have spent approximately 75 hours in the car and driven over 5200 miles so far this year. All of these road trips were technically unplanned, and while there has been a deep sense of gratitude, peace and awe, there has been an equally deep sense of loss, confusion and uncertainty. The truth is, I am tired but buzzing.

Shortly after I last wrote, we evacuated our home in Los Angeles in the wee hours of the night, sans electricity in pure darkness — me rustling through my dirty clothes hamper to grab underwear to pack in my overnight bag, silently cursing myself for not doing laundry like I told myself I would do earlier in the day. I’ll never forget the low clouds of black smoke, the smell of an old chimney, Otto anxiously panting in my lap in the backseat of the car, the N95 mask slowly suffocating my breath. We headed east towards Joshua Tree as the San Gabriel Mountains burned wildly from across the highway. Disbelief. Panic. This can’t be real. It felt like some cruel sci-fi movie and what I imagine the end of the world might feel like.

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I mentioned that my word for the year was spaciousness, but little did I know how quickly this theme would plow itself into my life. This initially undesired “space” has ultimately provided a much-needed new vantage point. My nervous system has had time to reset, my mind has been able to focus, my lens has widened, my body has slowed down. Ultimately, I feel as though I’ve been living much of the past few years in an eternal state of survival, and it was hindering my perspective and decision-making.

My cup is full, we have been surrounded by community in this season. We are so fortunate that our home was safe from the Eaton Fire. So many friends and colleagues lost everything. So many memories destroyed, lives upended, livelihoods vanished.

For now, we are grateful for a few work projects in my hometown of Nashville — adjusting to some remote days and embracing new and more intentional rhythms. Google Maps tells me that I’m currently 2000 miles from home, and yet, in many ways I am feeling more at home than I have in a long, long time. Distance has a way of lasering into focus that which is most important to us. I would have never thought that I’d be here right now, and I don’t yet know what the future holds, but I’m taking it day by day and eager to see what’s in store.

I’m looking for symbolism everywhere. I keep having recurring dreams of doors — long hallways with various locked and unlocked doors, frantically searching for something I can’t quite grasp. Sometimes doors appear in dreams when we feel stuck, lost or indecisive to remind us that there are options and infinite pathways.

I’m hoping to show up here more often going forward. I’m feeling really aligned creatively at the moment — working on some meaningful projects across interior design, writing and photography. One of the most exciting bits of news to share is that I’m starting a podcast! Never in my life did I think I would be saying/typing that (hearing my own voice makes me cringe), but my dear friend Claggie and I are launching Plain View next week. We have a trailer for the show out today, and I’d be so thrilled for you to have a listen, give us a follow, spread the word, and let me know what you think (on Spotify and Apple). We’ll be having honest conversations around topics like loneliness, imposter syndrome, stress, aging, self-worth and more.

We definitely don’t claim to be gurus or thought leaders, but we find meaning in connecting, relating, and sharing what we’ve learned experientially and from Kristine’s science-backed research (she’s a certified educator and facilitator of compassion and mindfulness through Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism, Research, and Education). We are imperfect, awkward, evolving humans and aim to create a safe space for all of us to explore personal growth and create positive change.

I hope you’ll join us and let curiosity lead the way.

Take care,
Elise

NOTEWORTHY

15 Lessons Scientists Learned When The World Stood Still.

My new podcast Plain View with launches Monday! Subscribe to our Substack, listen to the trailer episode, and follow us on IG.

David Whyte, one of my favorite poets, leads a live virtual Three Sundays Series combining poetry, storytelling and philosophy. I participate in these regularly and could not recommend them more.

PLEASURE

I’ve been drinking lots of homemade shrubs lately, have you tried them? Peach cider vinegar is my primo ingredient.

My favorite band always has the best music videos.

The Touching Items Angelenos Saved From The Fires.

CONTEMPLATING

Five Women Who Changed Kitchen Design. In honor of Women’s History Month, Isla Porter rounded up a handful of influential women.

Why Voice Notes Are a Small Act of Love. I’m a firm believer that we should all send more voice notes.

The Movies That Fashion Designers Watch Again and Again. I just added several to my viewing list!

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Everything is beautiful, and I am so sad. This line from a Mark Nepo poem made my fingers go numb. Do you ever feel like you are in the process of living out nine lives? An astrologer told me that I’m a late bloomer, and somehow these two statements feel connected. 2024 was one of the darkest years spent pressing my limbs into dry dirt, scattering remnants of various distinct lives, letting the wind do its thing and crossing my fingers that it would turn out okay. Just maybe there’d be some flowering at the end of it all.

Nine seems to be a very poignant number for me. I was born on the 9th day of the month, I met my husband when I was 19, we married 9 years later, and now it’s been 9 years since that day, and we celebrated our wedding anniversary in December. The clock currently reads 3:33, and if you read the subtitle above, this new year has a fancy little equation of 2+0+2+5 which, you guessed it, totals 9. September (month 9) seems to be a turning point for me each year, and this rotation was no exception.

The whole nine yards. On cloud nine. Dressed to the nines. Nine times out of ten.

My word for this year is spaciousness. It feels like a daunting thing to desire, but my hope is to find a teeny tiny bit of room for blank space each day. This season looks much different since I wrote last — I’ve pivoted into interiors and production design, and am working on some really special projects in LA with my friend Lisette for Soñadora Studio.

Much more to come on this soon, but I leave you with a few things I’ve been mulling over:

joy as resistance
feeling into the future
ice in orange juice
one of none
method actors of society
puffy muffin
non-negotiables

Lots o’ love,
Elise

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NOTEWORTHY

The poem I referenced is called “Adrift” by Mark Nepo, and the full piece is very much worth the read, which I discovered through this Tara Brach talk.

An important reminder.

My dear friend Kristine has published a guided journal on Moving Through Imposter Syndrome. Her tools, resources and practices have made such a difference in my daily life.

PLEASURE

The photo I used above showcases the work of set designer and prop stylist Marine Armandin — her portfolio is a true visual delight.

I finally bit the bullet and got a Kindle and it’s been a game-changer. Looking forward to reading Rejection next.

I have a new crush.

CONTEMPLATING

Why Having A Purpose In Life Is Bullshit. A powerful view on purpose and alignment.

Doing Nothing With Your Favorite People Is Really, Really Good for You. I haven’t read this yet, but the title says it all.

They Got Everything They Wanted Professionally By 30. Then What? I enjoyed this thought in particular: “There’s no such thing as reaching the top, only a long, winding path forward.”

Photo Credit: Editorial for Tools Magazine, photographed by Anaïck Lejart with stylist Marine Armandin.

I try to avoid sappy posts these days, but today is an exception. A few years ago, when we first moved to LA, I booked a lash lift appointment down the road from my house at a cute salon called Freija Collective. I met Katrina Urton, esthetician extraordinaire, and instantly felt at home with her, like we had some deep-rooted connection. She’s a Colorado native, but a Californian at heart, and her thoughtfulness and compassion radiate from literal miles away. When she mentioned that her husband Ben was the drummer in the band DIIV, I fangirled even harder, because DIIV’s album Is the Is Are was the soundtrack to the earliest, blissful days of my marriage.

I couldn’t wait to get home and tell Dan about her, and how I wanted to be her friend lol. Those first months in LA were some of my darkest and most isolated days, and meeting Katrina gave me a glimmer of hope again — if you know Katrina, you know she is the beamiest beam of light, and makes everyone around her better.

We continued to see each other here and there, and she posted on Instagram one day about wanting to work on music. I casually (and virtually) introduced her to my husband/producer/writer Daniel James, and they scheduled a songwriting session together. On the very first day that they met, they wrote this absolute gem of a track called All That Fades, which is officially out on streaming platforms today. What started as a simple session has beautifully evolved into a full-on band called Night Party — a collection of songs that poured out like streams of consciousness over the following weeks. Katrina’s raw and honest lyrics explore themes of addiction, co-dependency, and the struggles that often arise in long-term relationships. Dan filters through broken synthesizers, atonal strings, and chaotic samples to color what are, at their core, heartbreakingly simple songs. In their artist bio, I wrote:

Night Party is at once intimate and distant, overwhelming and subtle, shapeshifting and stagnate. Urton and James recall dreams and faraway memories, old sounds misinterpreted into something eerily familiar yet strangely new. All That Fades is an ambitious debut — an attempt to seek beauty where there is pain, honor silence where there is noise, and find expansion in the face of defeat.

Can I just say I feel like a proud parent, watching these two soar into special musical realms together? I’m grateful to have played a small part in their musical story, and I hold these songs so very close, as some of the most meaningful music in my life. I hope it affects you in some way too, big or small.

More music is coming soon, and Night Party is playing a free show at Zebulon in Los Angeles on November 10th with Janelane and Warm Human (tickets here). For now, you can listen to “All That Fades” on all streaming platforms.

Lots of love,
Elise

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Me. I am the *you* in the aforementioned subject line. The passing of time has been heavy on my mind. My niece just turned four, Otto is seven, my dad is about to turn seventy, and a friend’s daughter recently started her period (a fact which has nearly sent me into a tailspin). 2024 has been one of the most brutal yet transformative years of my life — I’ve been learning lessons left and right, continually working to separate my value from my work. I’ve had doors open, and too many to count close. I’ve felt powerless and powerful. I’ve said both hellos and goodbyes. I’ve jotted down questions like Am I better off sad than hopeful? and thoughts like Never underestimate the power of a day of rest.

This week I read the short novel Bitter Water Opera by Nicolette Polek, and cannot stop singing its praises. In it she writes, “A surfer once told me that all the rushing water sounds fade away when you are gliding through barrel waves. In the center of chaos is a stillness where people forget where they are.” That line hit me like a ton of bricks. This has been one of my biggest personal epiphanies: When everything around me feels chaotic, there is still a stillness that exists.

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Here are some more notes I’ve written, compiled, thought, read, chatted about or been considering lately.

1. It’s just not that serious.

2. Simplify then amplify.

3. “Time wins over time. What survives materiality is a story.” —Nicolette Polek

4. Even the little things are big.

5. There’s nothing better than a slow morning.

6. Emotions don’t need to be scary.

7. Life is full of contradictions, better to get used to it.

8. Go for that walk.

9. Take notes.

10. “Letting go is sacred.” —Alex Elle

11. You can always start over.

12. Keep a journal of your dreams.

13. Accept every phase.

14. You don’t need everyone to like you.

15. Nourish your mind, not just your body.

16. It’s ok to not know.

17. Stop and smell the roses. Literally.

18. There is power in positive thinking.

19. Pay attention, observe, look for patterns.

20. “As Jung often mentioned, most of our troubles come when we have lost contact with our guiding instincts, that energy within each of us that’s in service to becoming who we are in the world.” —James Hollis

21. Life can be bigger than you’ve imagined.

22. You will be happy.

23. Don’t attach.

24. Go out and get bored.

25. Trust the transitions.

26. Both can be true.

27. Prioritize pleasure.

28. Stability is important.

29. “What feels on the surface like rejection is often redirection. When you ask for a big life, you cannot keep fighting for a smaller one to stay.” —Brianna Wiest

30. Look up.

31. Everything can lose its luster.

32. Life has a way of working out.

33. No one really has a plan.

34. Don’t be an asshole.

35. Stay in your power, but get out of your own way.

36. Also, stay in your lane.

37. Work can wait.

38. Believe in the process.

39. Déjà vu is magic.

40. Know when to shut the door.

41. Focus on meaning.

42. The worst years can add up to the best years.

43. Remember, your period is coming.

Love,
Elise

NOTEWORTHY

If you haven’t checked out Disarray yet, do it now! Our quantities are getting low, but we are excited to be launching at Porter in Seattle. View our other stockists here.

My new favorite spot for a drink.

Sneak peek of a new project / special work in progress that I’ve been working on with the Soñadora Studio team.

PLEASURE

Nobody Wants This. Yeah yeah, I’m sure you all have seen it by now too, but it’s still very much worth mentioning. My favorite show in a long time.

Life is busy, and this meme made me laugh.

Ok wow, never thought about putting sesame seeds on a tortilla, but I’m going to be making this immediately.

CONTEMPLATING

Six Questions To Ask Your Partner At Midlife, According To Couples Counselors. One Dan and I have been asking a lot is “what is our next chapter?”

In The Field: Salt Ceramics & Twenty One Tonnes. Just some beautiful people and beautiful interiors that I’ve had the great pleasure of capturing on film for Ozma.

Tour The Serene Lisbon Apartment Of Designer-Duo Garcé & Dimofski. I can’t get this space out of my head.

Photo Credit: ‘Cosmos’ series by Maureen Martinez-Evans.

The other night I opened my Notes app and jotted, “I'm the kind of person who can read a caption on Instagram and have it redirect the entire course of my day.”

I’ve always been a deep feeler, and aware of my sensitivity to some extent, but had never really spent time considering the term “HSP” or “highly sensitive person” for myself. I don't know what specifically put this on my radar again recently — thank you, Universe — but I feel that I’ve found new language for processing and moving through the world more congruently.

I’m currently halfway through reading Elaine Aron’s book, The Highly Sensitive Person, and am so grateful for new insight, practices and understanding. I often tend to “push through” my overstimulation, and end up emotionally collapsing or feeling completely depleted. I’m beginning to pay more acute attention — to notice sooner — when the overwhelm is coming on, and to offer soft, gentle care and moments for myself.

When I shared about my realization with a new friend recently, she laughed sweetly and said that she could've told me I was an HSP within minutes of meeting me. She's an HSP, too. I feel like a new pathway is being uncovered before me, and am so grateful to her (and the handful of other HSPs) that have shared anonymously about their personal experiences below.

You know when you go to the eye doctor and awkwardly position yourself behind the heavy machinery, and the optometrist starts alternating between option 1 or 2, A or B? Slowly, things are becoming clearer. For me personally, I’m finding beauty and meaning in the privilege and chaos of aging — cultivating a deeper sense of belonging with myself, with others, and with the natural world.

’s words in her newsletter this week hit me hard… she says: I forgot home isn't a place we suddenly land in, but is instead a place we intentionally cultivate, make, build, tend to.

I'd love to hear if any of this resonates or stirs something in you. And a big, big thank you to the guests who so generously and vulnerably answered my questions about HSP below. Here’s to the lifelong journey of finding “home” — and to tending to ourselves with a bit more wonderment, curiosity and love.

Love,
Elise

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What are some common misconceptions about being highly sensitive?

That you're weak and fragile. And that it's a made up condition.

I think people who know that I'm HSP (not many, it's not something I've openly spoken about at this point in my life) might feel they need to tiptoe around me, or in certain instances where maybe I'm with people I don't know very well, I can be perceived as quiet or shy.

I find it quite interesting myself that even though I’m very sensitive to noise, crowds of people, lights, and can get very overstimulated and overwhelmed, one of my happiest places to be is a small outdoor music festival, dancing in a crowd of good people to great music, surrounded by nature. So if the environment is right, and there are calm spaces to look at and spend time in to recharge, then I can get so much bliss from highly stimulating things. I can spend all day and night dancing in a crowd outside to a good metal band or electronic dance music, which can seem out of character for HSP traits.

That I am overly emotional and fragile. I also have been told that being an HSP is not a "real" thing, and that I am just trying to make it okay that I am too emotional.

I'm not sure many people outside of the HSP community really think about this enough to have common misconceptions, ha!

That everything hurts my feelings and people need to be overly cautious with how they communicate with me.

What practices, if any, have you put into place to take care and bring comfort to yourself?

Knowing when sounds become too loud that I need time by myself immediately. And routines throughout the day, nothing major, just touchstones that make me feel more grounded and comfortable.

It's important for me to surround myself with nature several times a week. It helps me to slow down and stay calm. If I'm having a day where I'm feeling more sensitive than usual, I will spend some time alone with music, reading, and meditating.

Yoga, meditation, eating well and spending lots of time in nature all help so much. In spring, summer and autumn I like to spend one day a week somewhere peaceful in nature, sitting on a picnic blanket with some nice food, doing some writing/reflecting/planning/working, and also just lying in the sun and recharging. I feel really good in myself in this environment, and I can feel my body relaxing and resetting. I make sure I have lots of low-stimulation quiet time in my week, otherwise I get overwhelmed. Visually I have my home and work spaces quite minimal, calm and peaceful, which gives me a sense of ease. And I listen to music with headphones a lot of the time to cut out other noises, especially when in the city, on the bus and near busy roads.

My environment is really important to me. I have a sensitivity to bright lights and temperature so all of my lamps at home have bulbs that make me feel calm (no LED blue light for me, thank you!). I make sure when I go out in a large group or am at a gathering with a lot of people that my schedule is free the next day so I can rest and regenerate my energy. I always tell myself that I can leave if I feel overwhelmed or overstimulated, and have cultivated a community of people who accept this about me.  Two weeks out of the year I spend time in nature to reset my nervous system. I purposefully start my day in a way that is slow, with very low stimulus so that my nervous system isn't on high alert all day, every day. I also like routines, it helps me to know when I am having a particularly trying season that my routines will bring me comfort and make me feel safe.

The most helpful practice for me has been inner child work, both formally (therapy, EMDR, etcetera) and informally (journaling, meditation). An HSP's childhood can be filled with specifically formative experiences that create the beliefs we are looping on as adults. In my case, being extra sensitive to changes in environment as well as overly attuned to feelings of others caused me to be labeled as “moody,” “difficult,” or “strange.” Rewiring those harmful beliefs in the light of what we know about HSPs today has been the most necessary healing process for me.

Taking a second to allow myself to process my emotions (even if it means stepping away from a group dinner or party) and not being self-conscious of the fact that sometimes it takes longer for me to 'get over something' than most of my friends.

How does being an HSP most show up for you in day-to-day life?

Deep sensitivity to environment, whether positive or negative.

I notice it comes in waves, some days I feel a-OK, and others I'm triggered by lots of things. I’d say my most triggering are loud repetitive sounds and unusual smells. It brings out this irritation that I am always shocked exists inside of me. Crowded spaces also rock my nervous system. I think how I sleep, my diet, work and just general stress levels definitely dictate how it shows up each day for me.

Working in the city and busing to work every day means I’m highly aware of all the noise and busyness going on around me, so I listen to music with headphones a lot of the time to help block out some of that external noise. I have thin curtains up at my work space so if I’m visually overstimulated they make the space much more peaceful — they still let light in but hide all the movement (traffic and people) going on on the street outside. I am most sensitive to noise, visual things, smells, other people’s feelings and energy, and perhaps my own feelings. As well as being really hard to cope with sometimes, I can see how being highly sensitive is very special, too — and how it plays a big part in my work as a painter. I create soothing, peaceful paintings that feel calming for me to paint and look at. And it’s pretty special to be able to share some of those feelings with others.

Light and sound affect me, so living in a very large city with constant activity really weighs on me. I get exhausted easily. I find that I need a lot of down time on weekends to recover from a busy week. I can walk into a room and get hit with all of the emotions and energy that everyone is carrying and no one else seems to notice. I have a hard time with surface level conversations and I sometimes feel like I am on the outside looking in.

For me, the biggest navigational challenges have been in parenting. These challenges are further compounded by parenting a highly sensitive child who struggles with sensory sensitivity and emotional regulation herself. On one hand, my personal experience being a HSP gives me an advantage in my ability to meet her specific needs. But, because I am so attuned to the emotional state of people around me, as well as their shifts in mood, I tend to absorb feelings and moods and take them on as my own. When she is disregulated, I struggle to be regulated as well. This sometimes feels like a relentless cycle of escalation. It is hard!

I've learned it's my super power. Because I'm naturally more in tune with my emotions, it allows me to sense how people are feeling before they're able to articulate it. This has strengthened a lot of my relationships, and has also taken me far in business. Networking is definitely my strong suit and I attribute that 100% to being an HSP.

What do you do when you feel overwhelmed?

Turn off sound, try to eliminate light.

I'm still working on this area of my life. For now I just get quiet and try to focus on what I need to get done / where I'm going. I grew up an only child with a single mom, so I learned to self-soothe and be alone with my struggles very young. If I'm with people I feel safe with and trust, I try to share that I'm having a moment so they can navigate and help me. Or at least just know what's going on if I'm quiet.

Finding a place to go that’s peaceful and quiet is the best soothing thing. Sometimes that’s not possible so I use headphones. I’m still learning what to do in these times. Lying or sitting on the floor and feeling grounded often helps if it’s possible to do so.

I try to get out in nature and spend time alone. If I can't do that, I put on noise cancelling headphones and plug into forest sounds/frequencies online and read. When I had dogs, I used to spend time with them at home on the couch watching a movie, cuddled together, that was really regenerative. I will unplug from my phone for a day if I feel that I really need to regroup and I am unable to get away.

Because I'm so affected by sensory input, I lean heavily into creating comforting sensory experiences when I'm overwhelmed. It's not always possible, but when I can dim the lights, burn beeswax candles, diffuse lavender oil, run a warm bath, listen to calming music, put on an eye mask, and snuggle under clean sheets and fluffy blankets... it's like a reboot for my nervous system. And, on a more mundane level, I just try to be intentional about the fabrics I wear, the media I consume, the scents and colors in my home. These little bits of daily sensory stimuli really add up, so keeping input soothing where I can helps.

When I disappoint people or when I'm in an overstimulating environment, such as being in a loud restaurant where I can't hear my friends—I get drained FAST.

Has the term “HSP” helped you to better understand yourself? Do you have any books, resources or links you could share that you’ve found most helpful?

This term makes perfect sense to me. I consider being HSP a true gift. It allows me to tap in and understand in a way that others might not have access too. But sometimes that can be exhausting too.

I think knowing I'm HSP is a help in and of itself. Knowing I'm not alone brought comfort.

Yes, and it’s always so nice, comforting and reassuring hearing from other people that have the same or similar experiences. Doing a mindfulness and meditation course with Remind, and Dianna Lopez’s meditations and guitar music has been very special and helpful. Also all that The Daily Rest and Hitomi Mochizuki put out into the world is so comforting and reassuring — about living life peacefully and gently.

When I found out I was an HSP it was like my whole world finally made sense. I had a reason for why loud noise made me so anxious, why certain lights gave me headaches, why sad or violent movies and TV shows stayed with me for so long and affected me so deeply when everyone else seemed to move through those emotions so quickly or not at all. I was able to give myself grace for missing social activities or for feeling “other.” I started to think of it as a superpower. Emotions that seemed so hard for others to feel came so easily to me; good or bad. I now feel so grateful that I get to experience the world so deeply. Small things can make me feel so much joy, and that to me is such a beautiful gift. I read ‘The Highly Sensitive Person’ book and I frequently read The Highly Sensitive Refuge newsletter. Listening to nature sounds while I am working or resting. There is a website called Treefm where you can listen to different forests... I know it probably sounds weird but I find it soothing. Stretching and stillness also help me a lot. This is a good IG account that deals with Highly Sensitive Families, which has been helpful for me while I raise an HSP teenager.

The term, as well as the books by Elaine Aron, have helped me so much to understand myself as part of a community rather than an outlier. I have read several of her books — ‘The Highly Sensitive Parent’ and ‘The Highly Sensitive Child’ have been the most valuable for me personally. Her research and insights into high sensitivity have allowed me to reclaim all the GOOD things about being an HSP (empathy, attunement, artistic expression, etcetera).

‘The Highly Sensitive Person’ book truly changed my life forever. Being an HSP is a beautiful thing, and the book helped me lean into it way more. I was always told I was too sensitive, but that also correlates with the fact that my friends can count on me when they're stressed. I know how to be sensitive to people's feelings.

What do you need to feel connected to yourself and others?

Time alone, time in nature, time in the kitchen, time reading.

It’s just time alone. Quiet time to be with my thoughts. And to feel connected to others I need empathy and understanding. If the people in my community and the ones I love can give me space and are willing to learn / grow with me, my connection can grow deeper with them.

If my week involves some quiet time in nature, yoga, meditation, music and dancing then I feel most grounded and warm and good in myself. And when I’m in those good feeling spaces in myself, it’s so much nicer to connect with others.

I need deep one-on-one conversation with people I am close to. I struggle in groups. I want to know how people are feeling, what struggles they are facing, what support they need. I don't necessarily need it often, but I need my friendships to be able to go there. I really enjoy listening to people's stories and hearing about their lives. During everyday life, I give myself moments of silence during the day to connect back to myself. I like to spend time in nature, surrounded by trees; that always helps me get clear. I also feel deeply connected to myself and to the world when I am traveling and seeing new places.

Having strong boundaries, as well as identifying and speaking my needs. These are, of course, very difficult practices for me! But the more I can recognize, own, and express my needs, the more I can protect my energy. The more I can protect my energy, the better I can show up for the people I love.

When I feel every feeling (instead of suppressing) and share vulnerable moments with friends. When I feel my emotions, I carry less emotional baggage which naturally translates to feeling more present in every moment. My head is clear and I'm able to stop and have those “wow, this is amazing” moments. I'm currently in Europe and have said that no less than 10x per day. It's a beautiful feeling to feel connected to yourself and to be present in the moment.

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NOTEWORTHY

—Disarray is officially in stores! Find our puzzle book in Nashville, Los Angeles, Atlanta and Topanga, and of course through duen-de.com.

—I came across this IG Reel highlighting “books that made me feel ok with still feeling lost in my 30s” and I felt so seen. Can’t wait to dive into Rachel’s list.

—This insightful quote about the importance of having a practice, from Robert Fripp.

PLEASURE

For some reason I just watched the 1995 film Before Sunrise for the very first time, and I must say, it’s a perfect movie.

This gluten-free Chocolate Tahini Banana Bread is truly to die for.

Josh Hartnett is BACK, and young me is very happy about it. I loved this recent conversation he had with Julia Stiles so, so much.

CONTEMPLATING

Instant Stress Relief. The mindfulness app Open shared some simple ideas for regulating our nervous systems to create sustainable change. Cold showers have been particularly healing for me lately.

Ana Kraš Does It All. I’ve long admired artist Ana Kraš and her various creative endeavors. This interview for HURS was incredibly inspiring.

Creating The Life You Want with Thomas Jones. This Benshen podcast episode with the psychotherapist really struck a chord, and I’ve found myself repeating his emotional clearing exercise a lot this week.

Photo Credit: ‘c.ulleres’ teaspoon sunglasses, 2018, by Cristian Herrera Dalmau.

Welcome to Small Talk, a new series where I share a brief chat with some of my favorite shop owners, artists, makers and designers. This one has been a long time coming — born out of my own humbling experience of being a small business (and former shop) owner myself. While I don’t operate my business at the same scale or pace that I used to, I know firsthand how grim and hard it can be, and also the reward and connection it can bring. These days, a supportive comment, a small purchase, email signup, or regular visit can go such a long way.

Think of this as a short, more informal version of Still Life. I plan to rotate in and out of these features on a consistent basis, but am excited to do something a bit more quick and digestible. I hope if you discover something that you like, you’ll follow/share/post/purchase and help support these heroic small businesses!

Today we meet the coolest Rebecca Moon of THE GREEN RAY in my hometown of Nashville. I’ve long admired Rebecca and her taste, and am over the moon to have them as our first stockist for the Disarray Puzzle Book. Go sell them out!! 😉

Without further ado… Meet THE GREEN RAY!

Love,
Elise

☆
THE GREEN RAY
3237 B Gallatin Pike
Nashville, TN 37216
@thegreenraybooks

Art Books, Magazines, Cookbooks, Skincare, Fragrance, Pantry & Homeware

Open Wednesday-Saturday 11-6 | Sundays 12-4

Q&A

1. Describe THE GREEN RAY in three words.

   Romantic
   Inclusive
   Wild
   

2. How has the shop evolved over time, and is where you are now anything like what you imagined when starting out?
   The shop has been in a constant state of evolution since we first opened, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. I opened TGR with little to no retail experience, a credit card, and a dream, so it’s truly wild to see the growth since that first day. Slow-growing into the sweetest little business and community. I HOPE IT LASTS.
   

3. What role does reading play in your personal life?
   Reading is such a gift. Giving myself time to turn off my phone/laptop/TV and sit in a cozy corner with some tea, a pup, and a book improves my mood so greatly you’d think I’d never do anything else. I just read Miranda July’s new one, All Fours, and it knocked me right out. Highly recommend.
   

4. SAME! Within your business, what’s one thing that’s going really well, and one thing you are finding challenging?
   Running a business is a challenge in itself, for sure. You see everyday now an amazing, special shop having to close their doors, and it can get a little daunting thinking, “can I keep this up?” I try hard to fight those thoughts, but the pressure is on for anyone in small biz right now. With every event we have, or literal person who walks through the door, I feel hopeful that we can keep this thing going. We’ve been adding to our clothing and jewelry section this summer and that has been a new fun thing. I’ve been living in my purple basketball shorts from Le Bon Shoppe — the comfiest ever — with pockets big enough for your phone/keys/puppy/whatev. Those, and my gold charm necklace from Nashville local Iyana Gray (@itsgrayvybaby), have been my summer staples. Customers have been loving them, too! Each necklace is totally unique and she finds the coolest charms.
   

5. How does the city and community of Nashville influence your approach to the store?
   The community here in Nashville is as supportive as they come, it’s EXTREMELY HOT! We just had Lagniappe Market (@lagniappe.market) pop-up with us this weekend, and it was pretty dang dreamy. I know we’d never be where we are today if it wasn’t for the sweeties showing up and hosting cool events, shopping our new goodies and spreading the word about our teeny-tiny shop. A lot of the new products we get in are from regulars who find something lovely and share it with us, “This would be great at TGR,” and that’s my favorite thing. They want us to succeed! Oof. Beyond special.
   

6. What’s your favorite piece in the shop right now?
   We just got in a brand from your neck of the woods called RAT BOI that I’m obsessed with. Ethically-made, high quality, comfortable basics that are size-inclusive. I can’t keep their low back camis in stock. I’ve been wearing their tube top for too many days in a row now. The perfect wear for a Tennessee summer. Tube-Top Flip-Flop Summer.
   

7. How do you hope that customers feel when perusing/wearing/buying/experiencing THE GREEN RAY?
   I hope people feel seen, supported and a little bit silly when they leave the shop. It helps when Little Boots — our shop dog — is here. She makes everyone turn tender almost immediately. It’s a great party trick! Something about those ears…

   ---

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Got inspired by lots of good listening around here lately — from midday dips in the pool to vibe-filled candlelit nights spent indoors. Summer is here. This one is a fun journey and I hope you enjoy.

Love,
Elise

♫ Listen on Spotify

It’s been a hard season and to be honest, I feel like a broken record and am tired of yapping on about it. A recent scare landed me in the ER for what I thought might be appendicitis — thankfully it was not. I’m fine and healing at home now, but the CT scan revealed something called an “omental infarct.” Basically, I have a 3.6cm compromised spot of tissue that has caused a loss of blood flow to the area surrounding my stomach and abdominal organs. While it is very uncommon, my body should be able to heal on its own... and so far, so good. Worst-case scenario, the pain worsens or continues for too long and I decide to have a laparoscopy procedure to remove it.

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Anyway, all this to say, I missed sharing the bi-monthly Duende feature in June which made me sad, though I’m sure no one else really noticed (lol). I want to do something fun and reckless ($) and collage-y today and compile a pretty feast for the eyes. Because fuck it, why not?!

Here are some too-expensive-to-buy-but-extremely-beautiful pieces I’m fawning over:

And below are perfect gifts I would love to give (gift-giving is my love language):

Some feel-good, grounding things just because I “need” them right now:

And now, my dream summer wardrobe:

Can’t forget the wishlist for home:

In all seriousness, thank you for being here. Thank you for not caring or judging me when I miss a regular newsletter post (even if I’m still kicking myself). Thanks for checking on me. Thanks for humoring me today. Thanks for reading, and thanks for existing.

I love you,
Elise

P.S. My picks are shoppable through ShopMy as well. :)

NOTEWORTHY

—I am pleased to announce that I am offering 60-Minute 1:1 Creative Sessions over Zoom! I had a great call this week with a new client, and would love to offer my creativity and expertise to your project. As a visually-driven, ideas generator and brand strategist, I’ve helped to grow engaged audiences, develop new relationships and opportunities, orchestrate special events, and hone in on identity, strategy, marketing, social media, content development and creative direction for companies of all shapes and sizes. Email me if you’re interested in learning more.

—We sold out of the Disarray puzzle book (!!!) and the second run is being printed as I type, and will be shipping later this week. See some of the fascinating book-making process here.

—Molly Sedlacek’s sustainable cork house in Los Angeles. I love every single thing that she and the ORCA team touch.

PLEASURE

Randomly decided to binge-watch America’s Sweethearts: Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders while I was home recovering in bed, and I am obsessed.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I created a TikTok account. Follow me?

How to pull off a main character fashion photoshoot. You better believe this will be me next month, haha.

CONTEMPLATING

Can Our Sense Of Smell Reveal Our True Selves? A super interesting, sensory piece that has been on my mind.

Daisy Edgar-Jones Is Whipping Up A Fashion Storm For Twisters. She’s always been stunning, but her sartorial style is better than ever at the moment. I’m eating it up — I mean, just take a quick scroll through her IG. 😍

3 Days In London With Imogen Kwok (*best viewed on the AmiGo app*). Dreaming about a trip to England in the fall… anyone want to house swap?

Photo Credit: Long baguettes photographed by Sissi Pohle for Tables and Food.

I’m writing from bed, having been stuck here for over a week, down for the count with Covid. As I’ve had lots of forced time to rest and reflect, I’m aware of how long I’ve been swimming upstream, against the current. A surrender is surely on the horizon, though wallowing in helplessness feels more tempting and familiar.

It’s easy for me to play the victim of my own life. Victim mentality is not a new concept or mindset for me, and I’ve been here many, many times before. I’ve subconsciously adopted it as a way to cope with past experiences — childhood emotional neglect, a divorce in my 20s, unexplained infertility, “failed” dreams. I’ve watched myself grow and learn from it, almost like jumping through one hula hoop of self-awareness only to realize there are endless hula hoops still waiting on the other side.

I came across a personal piece I wrote over a year ago about this very topic — here is an excerpt below.

I’ve spent years navigating infertility, crying at baby showers, feeling jealous of pregnant women I notice on the street, and craving the obvious purpose that comes along with motherhood.

Even in my first marriage and subsequent divorce, it was so comfortable to frame myself as the victim — and in many ways I was, but wallowing in melancholic self-pity did not serve me or anyone around me. It kept me stuck. My therapist at the time really helped me to uncover my true self, accept responsibility for my own actions, and find my power within. I had a role in all of it.

As an Enneagram Four, I can be emotionally over-sensitive and often feel misunderstood. Fours feel that their suffering makes them unique, and telling others about it can attract sympathy and admiration. It’s important for Fours to be seen as individual, original and authentic. I don’t like to fake it.

Trying to conceive has become such a part of my identity these last several years, so it felt somewhat effortless to share my struggles with a hair stylist, neighbor, or even a new colleague. I’m realizing how I subconsciously derived a sick pleasure in someone feeling sorry for me, and in feeling sorry for myself. 

When I reflect on it now, I think it was easier to view myself as a victim in these scenarios because it let me off the hook, not having to accept control or responsibility. Life felt like it was happening to me. As I’ve begun to peacefully envision a life without kids, I must let go of this mentality.

Here I am again, present day, a different backstory and emotion leading to the same destination. I’m learning to recognize when my mindset starts to slip to feelings of guilt, shame, betrayal, codependency, hypersensitivity or resentment. By digging more into the topic of victim mentality, it’s helping me to better understand why it’s been such a common theme throughout various seasons of my life. It’s a teacher, and a coping mechanism I’ve developed to protect myself. It often shows up as avoiding responsibility, depression, negative concept of self, or isolation.

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But I can work with this teacher, not against it. Self-compassion feels like the first step, something my friend Kristine describes as “treating yourself with the care and concern you would give a friend when confronted with personal inadequacies, mistakes, failures, and painful life situations.” I remind myself that my feelings are valid, while welcoming in a new and kinder voice.

I’m no longer the victim in the story. It’s a slow trudge, not a gallop or a sprint. I’m taking it bit by bit.

Bit by fucking bit.

Love,
Elise

NOTEWORTHY

—Kristine Claghorn and I are hosting another free Zoom session, this time on The Elements of Burnout: How to repair and move through chronic stress. She is such a great leader and I am grateful to be a part of the conversations. RSVP to join us here.

—Our Disarray puzzle book has made its way out into the world, and we still have copies available to purchase from our first run!

—I am still thinking about All Fours, the latest book from Miranda July. And when her kitchen reno was published on NY Mag, of course I was instantly obsessed.

PLEASURE

Had a blast putting together this little “Pool Summer” roundup for my team at OZMA.

I’m loving these healing affirmations to connect with nature.

Dan got a Nintendo Switch a couple years ago for his birthday, and a friend at work told me about the game Overcooked! which is pure, fun, ridiculous chaos.

CONTEMPLATING

Viggo Mortensen and Ron Howard see storytelling as an act of collaboration. “I just assume that everything I’ve seen and done—everything I’ve been exposed to in life, including movies—is going to affect any performance I give.”

The State Of The Bush. Thanks to WLW for sharing this one, with thousands of women polled about their pubic hair lol.

This Whimsical Parisian-Style Bungalow Is Not Your Typical Beach House. A warm yellow fireplace, a cozy dining area, and slanted ceilings with the perfect wallpaper.

Photo Credit: ‘Face in the Crowd’ by Alex Prager, presented by Lehmann Maupin Gallery.

I’m so very grateful to introduce this conversation with Celeste Greene, a certified yoga teacher and yoga therapist. She began practicing yoga at age 15, and also paints, sculpts and designs. She has her own practice in the Nashville area called Living Yoga, and also sees patients at Vanderbilt’s Osher Center for Integrative Health. I’ve had the pleasure of knowing Celeste for many years now, and she is a true wealth of knowledge, nurturance and creativity.

Since our recent chat, I have been drinking warm spiced milk every morning (so delicious), and reflecting more intentionally about how and where I spend my time and energy. Below, we discuss the power of presence, the beauty of nature, and what exactly yoga therapy means. I hope you enjoy this as much as I have.

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Transcribed, edited and condensed from our conversation on May 24, 2024.

Celeste: Hi. Oh, it's good to see you. I had a really good time going through your questions.

Elise: Hi! I feel like there’s so much that we could chat about. I’ve been really looking forward to this.

I am going to show up the best way that I can, but I’m personally not in a great place at the moment. Plus I’m on my period and am feeling really spread thin.

Celeste: Well, you're in good company. You don’t have to be anybody for me.

Elise: I’m grateful to talk and hold space together. I’m curious, is there anything you’ve been feeling nostalgic about lately?

Celeste: That’s a perfect question. I just moved out to Joelton, Tennessee, from Nashville. I love being out here — it’s 5 and a half acres. There is a creek. I’m always drawn to being a little removed from what’s going on. I love being in nature, so it’s not out of character for me, but I didn’t realize until I moved out here how similar this place is to where I grew up.

I grew up in between Leipers Fork and Fairview, in a small area called Fernvale. We were so isolated out on 600 acres, so we would spend a lot of time picking blackberries, walking in the woods, taking baths in the creek… things like that. And I’m so nostalgic for it. It’s like I’m coming full circle now, almost returning to my childhood, here as an adult.

Elise: How does that feel?

Celeste: Gosh, I don’t know. It feels healing. It’s been really healing.

I’ve been thinking a lot about who I was as a child, and the innocence that exists before anything gets crazy. Recently I’ve been seeing a lot of turtles and snakes out here, like I did as a child. I walk in the creek barefoot and those feelings are really precious, like I’m reuniting with that part of myself. There’s a wholeness to it.

Elise: Beautiful, like a returning to yourself. Do you feel like you've been able to preserve some of that childlike innocence?

Celeste: I’m feeling more playful in general right now. I notice when I’m in periods of transition and adjustment, like I am right now, I’m more aware of things in nature that I might not usually be aware of. I’m in sync with something different.

The other day I was driving down the road and out of the corner of my eye I saw something brown slightly moving. It was a baby deer, so I pulled over!

Elise: Oh, I saw your photo of that! Incredible! Wasn't it around your feet?

Celeste: It was walking and then came running to me when I got out of the car. It wove itself in between my feet like a cat does.

Elise: Wow.

Celeste: It was such a wild moment. It was kind of rubbing up against my legs, and it was right at the street, so I’m thinking okay, what are we gonna do here? I started to walk it back to the woods — it was a really magical experience.

Elise: That sounds so spiritual, too. Deer are such spiritual beings.

Celeste: Yeah, and I think if I weren’t in the place of life that I'm currently in, I might have just driven right past it and not even noticed. It was very small — the size of a cat — in a grassy area, almost camouflaged. It wanted to follow me around like a dog.

I started to walk the deer back towards the woods. The mom probably left it here, but it was storming so the baby had gotten up. It was following me, and at some point, it started to veer on its own path — back to where it had been lying down, and then it curled up. It felt like the baby deer was saying, Oh right, thank you. I forgot I’m supposed to wait over here.

It was so special and symbolic, this sweet and innocent being — kind of what we were talking about — returning home. Remembering like, Yes, I am supposed to rest. I think that’s what being in nature and being an observant of nature reminds me to do.

Elise: I connect with that so deeply. How do you think we can metaphorically return home, no matter where we are?

Celeste: I'm just learning over the past few years how my home and the space that I'm in, the actual space, really impacts me. It is a reflection of myself. How I’m living, what I care about, the tactile material I bring in, all those things reflect back to me. I think that’s why I found yoga and meditation so early on, and why I care so much about it.

I heard somebody saying the other day that wherever they grew up, or with the people they were around when they were young, they learned early on that they could never fit into it. They decided to go the complete opposite way, instead of failing at trying to fit in. And that was my experience, I was really young searching for truth. What is true? How do we understand truth in our own selves and in society? Yoga gave me a way to go inward.

At its core, yoga is a journey towards authenticity. Home, for me, is when I am incorporating all these parts of myself that were maybe lost or forgotten. It sounds so cliché, but it’s true. I feel most myself and at home when I’m incorporating practices that return me to an internal place. Like, This is who I am. Not this other thing, but this. And then I can move through the world in that way.

Elise: Yes, it’s not stagnant. It’s always moving and evolving.

Celeste: Exactly, I think it’s never-ending, and the idea that we can return home and stay home is an illusion.

Elise: My equilibrium has been so off lately… I know the things I should be doing to feel better or more connected with myself, but mentally I just can’t seem to get there. There was a meme going around recently that said something like:

I’m feeling really down, and I don’t know why.
—Have you exercised today?
No.
—Did you go outside?
No.
—Did you talk to anyone?
No.

And so on, haha. What steps do you take when your mind, body and spirit feel disconnected?

Celeste: Such a good question, and so honest. The thing that comes to mind immediately is to just be gentle on yourself. It's okay to not do any of those things. It's okay.

Elise: … aaand instantly my eyes well up with tears.

Celeste: It’s okay to be unable to make a move from where you currently are. I know it can be painful and frustrating, and so you want to do all these things to change it.

What I’ve learned in my life, and in working with others, is that there is something else at play, something that we’re at the mercy of. We are in a process that is not of our own doing or making. It doesn’t go like we want it to go. It doesn’t work to our timing. Things don’t often function in a linear way — it’s much more abstract and intangible. There are times that we cannot do anything else but to just be in the thing. Be as gentle and easy and kind on yourself as you can during that process.

Elise: Oof, yeah.

Celeste: And then when you have the energy, or if you’re like me, when things get so bad that you can’t take it any longer, then you go and you do the thing. And it’s like, Oh right, I forgot. And then it motivates you a little bit, or you remember how good it makes you feel, and you do it again. But you can’t do that until you’re ready to do it, and I don’t think there should be any shame around that.

Elise: This is such a good reminder that I definitely needed to hear today. Thank you.

I want to talk more specifically about your yoga practice and yoga therapy work. Can you tell me more about what yoga therapy is, and what you find the most fulfilling in your line of work?

Celeste: This is one of my favorite things to talk about. I have a private practice that I’m at half of the week, and then I work at Vanderbilt’s Integrative Medical Center called the Osher Center for the other half of the week.

Recently, I’ve been giving a lot of presentations at the Osher Center for medical providers, students and patients around “what is yoga therapy,” because it’s still such a new industry.

It’s a new concept for people — I mean it’s obviously a very old concept, but what we do for yoga in the West seems primarily focused on physical practice and exercise.

Yoga is an old, ancient system to move ourselves towards balance. Changing our state of being. Something like: I’m in pain, my breath is short and shallow. I’m anxious. Everything in my whole life is doomed. In yoga therapy, we’re looking at how to move that state towards a state of balance which looks like: My body is relaxed and comfortable. My mind is focused. My breath is long and smooth. My perspective is positive. There may be difficult things coming up, but it will change and this is not a dead end. 

The external situations may not have changed, but the perspective has. I always tell this thing from my own life, because it’s a great example. Say I do my practice one morning and I’m on my way to work. I've caught myself driving at 60mph in the fast lane, just enjoying myself, and somebody pulls up behind me and I’m like Shoot, I’m sorry. I’m driving slow in the fast lane. Let me move over, I see you’re in a rush.

And then let’s say another day, I have a bunch of coffee, I don’t do my practice, maybe I have a fight with someone or things are feeling hectic in my life. I’m going 80mph in the fast lane and somebody cuts me off, and I’m like What an asshole! Now I’m going to tail them.

The same exact thing has happened in my life, right? The perspective is different based on the state of being that I’m in. So what we’re interested in in yoga is changing the state of being. It’s so cool because we have techniques for breathing, movement, meditation, sound and lifestyle, which are all just different ways to potentially change a person’s state of being towards something else. We test techniques against the individual to see if it brings more peace or less. Does it make your breath short and shallow, or long and smooth? Does it make you more at ease or more anxious?

Not every technique is for everyone, and that’s something I am always clarifying for people. I think we’ve gotten confused or think we need to be able to master every technique. If something is creating discord within your system, it’s the wrong technique for you.

So I create individual practices for people that bring them into a state change, and they are able to have that experience every day as they do the practice on their own at home. It’s quite beautiful because you can create this foundation where everything falls into place.

The Yoga Sutras say that the result of changing your state is internal clarity. You’re able to hear inside yourself because your mind isn’t going all over the place — you’re not distracted by your pain or the doom that’s in your life. There’s peace, there’s clarity, there’s insight and intuition and contentment that are developed when we’re in a certain state of being.

You don’t have to use the tools of yoga to have a state change. You can go for a walk, you can play with a puppy. There’s all kinds of things you can do, but these are the specific tools that we use in yoga to move someone in the direction of balance or wholeness within themselves.

Elise: Wow, that is so incredible and makes so much sense, but I had no idea. It sounds like every single one of us would be good candidates for yoga therapy!

In my mind, I kind of associated yoga therapy with physical therapy, thinking they were both similarly focused around a more physical movement. Are a lot of your patients physically injured or disabled, or is it more emotional and mental?

Celeste: A lot of emotional distress. That's the primary thing. In my practice at Osher, everyone that comes in has been sent by a primary care or specialty provider, because they are usually very complex cases. They have chronic, sometimes multiple chronic diagnoses that are overlapping. And what we know about chronic pain now is that there is a huge root in the emotions. So a lot of the stuff that we’re working on, even though it might show up physically initially on the surface, actually has some undigested events or things that need to be processed and released.

Talk therapy is so great, but sometimes it can’t get to certain things. With yoga, we have different tools, so we don’t have to talk about it. We can make a sound, or do certain breathing techniques, or move our body in certain ways — or a combination of all three. Most people associate yoga with physical therapy, but it’s not at all. What we are interested in is the mind. The Yoga Sutras says yoga is the directing of the mind somewhere, and the practice of keeping it there. So we are really talking about being present — that’s the whole game. How do I become present? What makes me more present? What’s in the way of me being present?

Elise: Presence is so so powerful. This reminds me of a podcast I listened to recently. Are you familiar with Dr. Ellen Langer? She’s an American professor of psychology at Harvard University.

Celeste: I’m not.

Elise: She was on Rich Roll’s podcast and it was mind-blowing for me. She wrote a book called The Mindful Body: Thinking Our Way to Chronic Health which I just started reading too. She did a study on cancer patients and the difference in being told your cancer is in remission versus cured. Those who saw their cancer as cured were better on all measures they tested, both psychological and physical.

Celeste: That’s exactly what I work with people on. If you are present, there’s a healing energy in that. And if you are not, there’s a destruction energy. All of the studies and research that we are involved in at Osher center around this, too. Everything is connected, and in yoga we have a model for that. It’s how we look at the human system. I’m passionate about bringing people into awareness around living in conversation with themselves as a whole, listening and caring for themselves wholly and not viewing everything as separate parts.

Elise: I know you’re a big feeler and empath like I am. How do you create boundaries or take care of yourself when dealing with so much trauma and emotional distress each day? That’s a heavy weight to carry — holding space for your patients probably physically requires a lot of you, too.

Celeste: Such a good question, Elise. The number one way is through my own practices, my own personal yoga therapy practice that I'm doing every day. You can’t teach if you haven’t been taught. 

Elise: That is a powerful line. “You can’t teach if you haven’t been taught.”

Celeste: My journey informs me being able to show up for people, and that’s important. I have to be established in myself to sit with somebody else in their pain. I have so many practices that I do to really help fortify myself and create a container that is separate. Also, you know, just showing up. All I have to do is really be present with them.

I heard this quote in a painting class, my teacher said something like, “The best paintings are when your technical knowledge and your intuition marry.” And that’s how it is for me when I’m working with someone. Being present, listening internally, and taking action.

Elise: I love that. I find that I can really feel and intuit things from other people, too. Even just walking down the street sometimes. Does that affect you a lot in day-to-day life, outside of your practice?

Celeste: Like you said, I'm a really big feeler. With my patients, it’s how I work in a way that maybe other people don’t. I can feel the tiniest little adjustments — did they just move towards peace or away from it? I can keep going and turn the volume up in this way, or drop it and try something different if I feel that you’re moving away from yourself.

I definitely have a limit. I have boundaries and limits to myself — I only see 3 people a day. I learned early on that my maximum is not when I’m depleted.

Elise: Gosh, so many good quotes from you. That is so insightful.

Celeste: I don’t take on more than what keeps me steady in myself. I have definitely struggled about being out in the world — in the pain and in the beauty of it all. It is deeply felt for me, and there have been periods where my high sensitivity was debilitating and I wasn’t able to do the things that I wanted to do in the world. This is actually why I began practicing and studying yoga therapy, and working really closely with an Ayurvedic practitioner.

I could immediately start bawling, watching a beautiful piece of music being performed. Or seeing somebody on the street that is in pain or suffering — this stuff would take me out for the day and make it hard to function. I’ve had to work really hard at creating this boundary energetically. I still don’t love being in large crowds and have to be careful about what environments I put myself in.

I oil my whole body every day. I only eat warm, cooked foods. I have a yoga practice and a meditation practice that help fortify me, rather than feeling so porous and open.

Elise: I love this word fortify that you’ve used a couple different times. I’m so similar to you in that way. My nightly baths are so important to me.

This is such a silly story, but I remember one of the first times I noticed this about myself. I was in high school and was babysitting for some younger kids at my school, working late one night. They had gone to bed and I was flipping through channels on the TV. There was nothing on and I just wanted to go home. I came across a really tacky, small town beauty pageant and was laughing to myself about it. But it was the tail end of the event, and the winner was announced. The crowd started cheering and there was a standing ovation, and I just started bawling. I wasn’t even invested in this silly little thing, but it moved me to tears. Ha!

Celeste: Haha, I love that so much. It actually reminds me of something funny which is that I can’t watch much TV or movies. Because of that same thing, it will kind of live in me in some way. If it’s a negative thing, it will live in me and I don’t want that. Sometimes friends will ask me what I’ve been watching… I was talking with a friend while at a performance at OZ Arts. I told her I was really into a show called Grantchester on PBS that I’m pretty sure only 70 year olds watch. She hadn’t heard of it, but these three gray-haired gay men turned around and were like “I love that show! Who is your favorite vicar?”

Elise: Hahaha!

Celeste: That’s really the only thing I can watch… something very, very gentle. I'm usually in it for the aesthetics. I like to look at some beautiful scenery, whether it be in nature or architecture or of a time period.

Elise: I love that so much. That is so mindful of you, and I need to think more about that! Even the small stuff can impact me in a big way. I’ve gotten so bad about vegging out in front of the TV before bed most nights, watching super dark shows. It affects my sleep! It affects my next day! So I’m glad you mentioned that, because it’s all connected and I want to be more attuned to it within myself.

Celeste: I've been thinking a lot about how we calibrate to things. It’s an Ayurvedic concept that we take on what qualities we experience. A violent movie impacts us — we receive it and we take it on. So if you’re around someone who is talking negatively about everything in their life, you are going to take that on and start thinking more negatively about things in your life.

Elise: Hmm.

Celeste: It’s a concept I love and think about often, but recently I’ve been seeing it in a new way. It’s easier for us to come down than it is for something to come up. We kind of adjust downwards with certain things.

Elise: It affects all of us, even though you and I may be more particularly sensitive to some things. But it’s crazy how much we often aren’t even aware of it.

Celeste: Yeah, we don't get taught this stuff, like how to actually protect one's own self.

Elise: I’ve often really struggled with the feeling of being “good” at a lot of things, but not necessarily “excelling” at any one thing — this was especially difficult in my 20s as I would compare myself to others. I’ve learned over the years the positive sides of this for me, but at times I can’t help but wish for something more simple and straightforward. I know there’s a lot of things in your world too: from yoga to mindfulness to Ayurveda to painting to florals to interior design to somatic work. 

Have you ever felt this way, and how do you make sense of it all?

Celeste: Yes! As you were talking, I resonated with feeling that exact way when I was in my 20s. I love to work in a lot of capacities, and I love being creative in any way.

I started off going to culinary school. I loved cooking and I thought I was going to do that. I went and cooked in the back of house for a while, and then realized it was not sustainable or how I wanted to live my life.

So then I pivoted towards events — styling of events and design, and I started doing editorial styling for photo shoots. The people I was doing that with taught me how to do floral design, so then I was doing that. The whole time I kept thinking, This is it. This will be it. But what I learned in my early 30s was that I don’t like having creative practices linked to my income. When I do, they feel like a production instead of an expression, and it really taints it for me. If I’m making 200 floral center pieces or 200 plates of food, I lose the beauty and exploration.

Elise: It becomes something different.

Celeste: And I was doing the yoga the whole time, and teaching yoga always, so I think there was some unconscious decision to go deeper into my yoga practice and see what happens. And at least right now, I’m loving that my creative practices are there to support my yoga work. I don’t have this pressure on them to be anything other than what they are, which is refreshing.

Elise: I’ve been thinking about that so much lately. As a creative I know that I will always have my projects, but they don’t necessarily need to be the main focus of my career or what makes me the most money. Though sometimes it’s really hard for me to not be like This is going to be the thing! and try to control the outcome of it all.

Celeste: Yeah, even with yoga therapy, I know it could change at some point. Knowing myself, I might take this as far as I’m interested in taking it and then move to something else. And that’s okay with me, even though it can be hard of course. You may think, Am I failing by putting this thing down?

I don’t know if you feel this way, but sometimes I feel like I’m interested in seeing where my edges are in life. I don’t really need to do one thing forever. I want to see what my capacity is.

Elise: I get that. I’ve personally reached a point where I’m craving more stability than I am craving my creative expression. I mean, I’ll always have that, but getting older and living in a really expensive city, I want to know we can pay our bills. I want to have a healthy nervous system.

Celeste: Same, that’s why I love having the Osher Center for half the week. It’s my stability.

Elise: Yes, and it provides some structure!

So… what’s a day in the life of Celeste look like? What are your rituals and some of the things that you enjoy doing for yourself?

Celeste: I love figuring this out, and I’m always kind of tweaking it. I’ve recently started shifting my patients to later in the day because I don’t like to rush my mornings.

Elise: I looove a slow morning.

Celeste: All the clocks in my house are wrong. I don’t like clocks, so I wake up naturally. And I go to bed super early at like 8:00pm or 9:00pm. I love going to sleep early and waking up early around 6:00am. I’ve learned that if I don’t go immediately into my space for yoga, other things will call my attention and I’ll skip it. I like the feeling of going from slumber into this kind of slow middle zone, so I get immediately into my personal yoga therapy practice that was written for me by my mentor.

I do that every day, and I have an altar that I bow to. It changes everything for my whole day when I do this, like the tone has been set. Then I’ll have one cup of coffee — I’ve been buying these beans locally that smell like blueberries. I put in a little brown sugar and cream, and I’ll sit on the porch and drink it next to my cat. Then I usually make my food for the day. Part of my Ayurvedic practice is fresh and warm cooked foods, so I start prepping something I’m going to have for lunch and dinner. A few times a week I’ll take a shower and oil my body with warm sesame oil. If it’s a particularly good morning, I’ll go for a walk too. And I like to have warm spiced milk with a little bit of ghee in it for breakfast.

Elise: That sounds so dreamy.

Celeste: Then I’ll go to work, come home, eat dinner. Maybe do a little reading. I’m into David Sedaris right now, or I’ll watch one of the shows I mentioned. I take my dog out into the garden — I have a huge garden here and there’s so much gardening to do. It’s one of my favorite things to do in the morning when everything is quiet and still.

Elise: It sounds like you’re setting yourself up really well for the day — building a great foundation.

Celeste: The only exception to my early bedtime is that I've been loving going two-step dancing. I found a dance partner and we just dance.

Elise: Oh my gosh, I want to do that! So fun.

I’ve been so energized by this conversation, and there’s so many things you’ve said that I want to take with me. I feel like I’ve had the privilege of being your patient today, in a way. I want to book some yoga therapy sessions with you.

Celeste: I love that, thank you. You don’t change everything at once, it’s better if you do it little by little.

Elise: Is there anything coming up for you that you’re really excited about, or most looking forward to?

Celeste: There’s a lot that I’m excited about. One thing is that I’m doing a small study group for yoga next month. I’m so passionate about teaching yoga teachers, or people that have been doing yoga for awhile, and helping them look at the whole. Integrating the physical with breathing and meditation — they are not these separate things. I’m also going to a conference for yoga therapists, and on a trip to Santa Fe. A lot of really fun stuff.

Elise: That sounds so nice. If you ever make it out to California, I would love to see you, and we have a guest room waiting for you. Thanks for sharing your heart with us.

Celeste: Thank you, so nice to be with you!

Still Life, refers to the notion of “stillness” — quieting the noise and seeking to capture a glimpse into this very moment in time. This bimonthly series is a conversation between Elise and various creatives. View past publications here.

Credits: Portraits of Celeste captured by Nicola Harger. All other photos are by Celeste Greene and Rebekka Seale.

Wow, I am so beyond thrilled that this day has arrived… that I’m typing these words and finally sharing the news with you.

WE MADE A BOOK!

Around Christmas of 2022, I randomly came across some word search puzzle books and purchased a large stack to entertain myself. I wanted to take a real, restful break over the holidays, and find something different to do that could engage my brain away from the phone, computer or TV. I enjoyed it so immensely that I encouraged a couple of my closest friends to join me on my puzzle journey.

A month or so later, my husband Dan was traveling and I found myself (again) reaching for the cheesy, nerdy titles like Brain Games or Mindworks, getting lost for hours in word search puzzles. It was good for my nervous system, and for my spirit. Over the phone one night, Dan made a lighthearted comment about how we should make our own “cool” version.

Little did we know that this small, offhand remark would cultivate into an incredibly fun and rewarding project, our Disarray Puzzle Book. Slowly developed over the course of the past year, Dan and I spent many late, weed-gummy-filled evenings together, laughing our way through the process of concepting themes and word lists, populating puzzle after puzzle. We quickly realized that we were on to something, so we honed in on 50 special word searches, and asked our dear friend Zachary Gray to shoot some accompanying imagery.

Disarray is a workbook that combines word search puzzles, photographs and text designs. The puzzle themes range from palindromes to early 2000s internet to various types of noodles. It’s part nostalgia, part humor, part self-reflection and loads of entertainment — if I do say so myself (I do). It’s 100 pages for practice, perspective and presence. It looks great on a coffee table, makes a thoughtful gift, and provides mental stimulation away from the distraction of a screen.

Last summer, we invited the talented team at 1 of 1 Studio into the mix, and their distinctive designs and immersive layouts took everything to the next level. The New Zealand-based creative studio, led by Natasha Mead, specializes in design, development and direction. You may recognize their work with some favorite brands like OZMA, F. Miller, Lesse, J. Hannah, Baina, The Moon Lists and so on. We knew they’d be the perfect design partners as we looked to marry analog and digital, chaos and order, tactility and mystery.

Self-publishing a book comes with a lot of costs, time and headaches, but Dan and I are extremely proud to officially launch Disarray into the world today. We have big plans to see it in big places around the globe (my ambitious goal is to get it into 100 stores this year)!

We are living in these strange, algorithmic days where it can be hard to capture or hold anyone’s attention. So here comes my ask: would you be willing to help us spread the word in any way, shape, or form? Text it to your friends! Tell your local shop they should carry it! Shout it from the rooftops! An IG post, like, comment or share goes such a long way these days. Better yet, preorder one of the very first copies. Our initial run of books is being made in Los Angeles, about 10 miles down the road from us, by Sorella Studios. They are expected to ship in 2 weeks.

This is the first publication from Duende Press. Our website is back up and running after a brief hiatus, along with the hand-sculpted Moody Incense Holder from our collaboration with Rebekka Seale of Finea in Nashville, and another brand new item — the Paper Fortune Teller Poster. I have 5 personal tattoos (and counting!) from artist Carlos Darder of Rainblow, and knew he’d be the ideal partner to implement my vision of the childhood pastime, also referred to as a “cootie catcher” (haha). There are 2 Digital Download offerings, so you can print a set of puzzles or a fortune teller at home, too. These PDF files are free for a limited time to all you lovely Substack subscribers, with code SUBSUBS.

Thank you for being a part of my creative process and community. Here’s to opening our palms and allowing projects to evolve in countless ways.

Love,
Elise

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NOTEWORTHY

—A behind-the-scenes look at the Paper Fortune Teller Posters being screen printed by Press Friends in LA.

—One of my favorite images in the Disarray puzzle book, from Ron Finley’s garden, by sir Zachary Gray.

—My friend Hayley mentioned our shared love of puzzles in an interview with The Guardian, lol.

PLEASURE

My current favorite incense for burning in the Moody Incense Holder.

This song, full blast, windows down, on repeat.

Seeing Duende’s logo (by Carlos Darder) in tattoo form brings so much joy.

CONTEMPLATING

Does Stanley Actually Do His Crossword Puzzles? I went down a Reddit rabbit hole, and found that in a 2020 interview Leslie David Baker said that over the course of filming The Office, he completed over 60 books… impressive.

Julia Gets Wise With Carol Burnett. I’m obsessed with Julia Louis-Dreyfus and her podcast Wiser Than Me. The dialogue around Wordle in this episode really had me laughing (and relating).

How Gen Z Made The Crossword Their Own. I love reading about other puzzle enthusiasts, so this headline recently caught my attention.

Photo Credit: “Disarray” digital book mockups by Kaela Rawson.

I have followed artist Lauren Miranda in awe for many years, but we still have yet to meet in real life! Lauren Miranda, or Lola as most people call her, has lived in Los Angeles for the past decade, most recently in the Eagle Rock neighborhood. During the day, she’s a full time Apparel Studio Manager, and outside of that, she has a studio in the Flower District where she works on her Fiber Art, primarily in materials like cane, reed, cotton, and wool. Sentimentality reigns supreme when it comes to her home and tchotchkes, many of which she has made herself. I am overjoyed that she has shared so many of these beauties with us, as well as the stories and memories that surround each love-filled piece.

Find Lola elsewhere:
Instagram
Lauren Miranda

Here’s to staying inspired!

Love,
Elise

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1. Lauren Miranda, Bread Sculpture
   There was a time in 2018 where I was baking a lot of enriched breads/challah, and there were at times remnants left. This “thing” came about after just picking up the “skeleton” of some dough and setting it aside on a sheet tray. I liked what I saw, I baked it, shellacked it and became attached to it. It’s been on display ever since.

2. Lauren Miranda, Bespoke Hangers
   I sketched these out prior to ever having a studio space, envisioning a few of my knits/garments on them. Finally my friend Jon worked with me to bring them to life. Now I’m not in the business of product development, really — but these are extremely special to me and I’m highly proud of them.

3. Silver Sculpture
   I thrifted this object so, so long ago. It is so satisfying in the hands, you can change its shape, coil it into a bracelet or necklace, use it has a pseudo-fidget toy. 

4. Scents
   I am a loyalist and when I find something I like I stick to it — I’ve been wearing OLO Fragrance’s “Lightning Paw” for years for its prominent jasmine notes. Recently I have become tethered to Maison Louis Marie’s “Kandilli” perfume oil which smells heavily of gardenia. I cannot get enough.

5. Mature Rhipsalis
   Other than Hoya plants, this is my favorite species. I’ve had this as long as my bread sculpture, nurtured the hell out of it and adore its alien-like presence. Texture town.

6. Lauren Miranda, Silver Cushion
   (Please see aforementioned affinity for silver shiny things) I have Luis Barragán to thank for my love of orbs. So much so that I’ve found piggy banks, earrings, a vintage ring — all homages to this spherical object. But no I couldn’t stop there, I needed to add one more thing. So I made this imperfect and very ergo friendly cushion as a final addition to the family.

7. Olga Ravn, The Employees
   This novel is one of the strangest works of sci-fi to enter my brain. There is so much I could say on this but it’s a short, bizarre read, so please just have a go with it. 

8. Vintage Pear Pepper Mill
   A girlfriend of mine gifted me this for Christmas in 2020. Have you seen a cuter thing? Its usage is frequent.

9. LoQ, Datura Wine Glass
   Yes, they are known for their impeccable footwear and they also design delicate home goods. These are the most beautiful drinking glasses I will ever own. I can’t handle alcohol like I used to, so they really elevate my coffees and my Olipop.

10. Vintage Handmade Face Pendant
    I have such an affinity for vintage silver, I joke that I am a bird because of my attraction to a shiny thing. Though my collection holds many scores, this pendant is by far my most prized and unique find (other than maybe my vintage Elsa Peretti for Halston bean locket that was less than the cost of a tank of gas). It’s quite heavy, I’ve tried to read the signature in hopes of searching for more of their pieces, but alas, they’ve vanished! 

11. Ren Ceramics, Mug
    I first encountered Ren’s work at a rad shop in Ojai back in 2020 that is sadly no more. However, I continued to follow her work. These little guys appeared on one of her stories and I had to adopt one. I use it everyday — so much so that I bought a second one for my office!

12. Ceramic Crimped Plate
    Down in Coyoacán, Mexico City, there is a ceramics studio that sells a gang of beautiful dinnerware. But off in one corner they offer “one-offs” of pieces made by students. I fell hard for this one’s graphic lines and hue — makes eating cookies and toast a true delight.

13. Hinia’s Gold Amethyst Ring
    My aunt Virginia owned this ring, and as a child I’d ask her incessantly if I could have it, and she would always promise to hand it off once I was older. When I turned 18 she finally passed it down to me, and it’s the single heirloom I own.

14. Return To Sender, Lampshade Hat
    Kat has been offering up various iterations of this piece for years, and I have been collecting them as if they were pogs. There is no other hat I wear more.

15. Teeny Tiny Toro
    Toros (bulls) have always reminded me of my late baby dog Hoya, and I shared this with Ana (who owns Casa September) on my last trip to CDMX in March. In true fashion, she yet again surprised me on my last night with this tiny wooden treasure from her partner’s personal collection. If that’s not love then I don’t know what is.

16. Leggy Chair
    Stumbled upon this chair on my favorite site and became fixated. I’m not one to get into bidding wars, but this time I held fast. It’s such a quirky chair and it reminds me of a giraffe. The seat is a bit askew but feels good on the back when you take a seat.

17. Riita Ikonen & Caroline Hjorth, Eyes as Big as Plates
    Where to begin — for over decade they have been documenting humans of various occupations, in various countries, within their respective natural landscapes; evocative portraits involving the subjects donning “garments” of seaweed, ferns, flowers, shells, mud and the like. Paired with anecdotes on each of their lives, it’s borderline folkloric. I am profoundly, continuously inspired by this dynamic duo and dream of being part of a future roster of theirs.

18. Intricate Basket
    On my very first visit to Mexico City, at the Anthropology Museum, I had seen a basket like this one in one of the dioramas and fell hard for it. Ana (of Casa September), whom I’d only just met that trip, showed up to dinner on my last night there with one exactly like it. 

19. Original Watercolor, Living Room
    A couple of Christmas’s ago, my youngest sister surprised me with this watercolor of my living room. Of course I cried, of course I had to frame it immediately. I am so lucky to have a gang of talented siblings.

20. Cersei Bird
    I am perpetually obsessed with the very specific aquamarine blue hue in Cersei’s eyes. But truthfully I’m perpetually obsessed with her in general.

21. Matilda Alair via Lowell Shop, Vase
    I hade been coveting one of these robust vessels for so long after stopping into Lowell in Portland, and finally treated myself when I moved into my current spot in LA. The drippy, smeary texture really sends me.

22. Clay Creature Pot
    During my short and sweet life on Vashon Island, I frequented the local thrift store and found this funny guy there. No clue if he was ever actually meant for water or tea or what, but it’s become one of my pets.

    ---

Duende is the mysterious power of art to deeply move a person. It means a quality of passion and inspiration. With this bimonthly feature, we celebrate and honor our most meaningful possessions that go far beyond the physical — preserving memories, shaping identity, encouraging ritual, embodying experiences and loved ones. The things that surround us are not simply functional, beautiful, or aspirational, but encompass a soul and presence all their own. View past publications here.

Photo Credit: Duende custom collage designed by Meg Towle, featuring pieces from the home of Lauren Miranda. Portrait of Lola by Francisco Gonzalez.

I’ve spoken often about how home is so much bigger and deeper than any one place we may reside. To feel at home within yourself, or with a loved one is so very special. Our residences also hold so much meaning — memories, secrets, rituals, conversations, quiet moments. I have paused many times over the course of the last couple months to acknowledge my gratitude for this new space we get to call our home. A real dream home.

As someone who is very particular about my space, it is a joyful yet often frustrating challenge to give a home time to evolve — to speak for itself and listen for what it may want or need. Each home is different, and this is where the true magic lies. Our main living area is my favorite room, and feels the most “finished” for now — though I hope to bring in an unexpected combo of patterned pillows (like this and this, shoutout to Keren for the finds) to tie in the other rooms and break up some of the Crayola color scheme we’ve got going on. I also dream of hanging a disco ball in the very center of this room… is that crazy?

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Our bedroom is small and serene, albeit a bit bare at the moment. The striped Morrow coverlet adds so much, and I’ve had an antique print by Marc Chagall waiting to be framed above the bed. I plan to bring in some tonal raw silk curtains and a warm textured linen pendant light, plus an earthy, colorful rug to ground the space.

The dining room holds my favorite vintage Duende wavy candle sconces (these are also great), and is begging for some personality — striped curtains, a geometric tablecloth and maybe a hint of color or wallpaper on the ceiling. Oh, and I dream of finding a piano for the arched inset area!

Green is easily my favorite color, so I love all the shades of green in the house, and think the pops of red complement it nicely. The guest bedroom has an organic matte sateen sheet set in the perfect limón color, and I plan to paint the walls blue, add antique bedside lamps, chocolate brown velvet curtains and some floral throw pillows.

My tiny office is a big work-in-progress, but this little peek shows the area that looks put together (not pictured: stacks of books, pillows and random decor shoved in the corner). I plan to add a twin or daybed vibe in here that could also sleep another guest. We recently added the Dunes Teak Sofa from Burrow to the front porch, and I’m loving my morning coffees and afternoon phone calls from there. Otto is enjoying his new yard and is especially interested in drinking the chlorine-filled pool water.

Here’s a short list of some favorite resources, shops and interior designers I’ve been perusing for our new space:

Morrow Soft Goods
Autumn Sonata
Elementi
Colin King
Ballard Designs
Lulu & Georgia
Sophie Lou Jacobsen
Colours of Arley
East London Cloth
LOD
Chused & Co.
Casa Verónica
Revival

Thanks for taking a peek! I cannot wait to share more as things progress and continue to feel more settled.

Lots of love,
Elise

NOTEWORTHY

—What to do when you have too many home decor ideas.

—My husband recently wrote a fascinating series about his experience late last year serving on a jury for a murder trial in Los Angeles. 😱

—Emma Roberts’ house tour was great, but this colorful country farmhouse stole my heart.

PLEASURE

The true story of Baby Reindeer is so creepy and unsettling, and I cannot look away.

I hadn’t really thought about Vampire Weekend in many years, but their new album Only God Was Above Us is such a superior springtime soundtrack.

I’m on the hunt for the perfect oil portrait for my bathroom (this one sadly got away from me) — so if you see a good one, please share!

CONTEMPLATING

Accounting For Taste. unpacks the perilous pursuit of personal style.

The Quiet Man Who Makes Fashion Brands Pop. Eric Wrenn has a minimalistic touch that has visually shaped brands like Bode, Eckhaus Latta and more.

How Do We Survive The Media Apocalypse? A fascinating podcast conversation with Ezra Klein — explaining why it’s happening, where it’s going and what we all can do about it.

Photo Credit: Elise Joseph.

My relationship with artist and photographer, Zachary Gray, goes back what feels like lifetimes now. I mention in our conversation having known each other for 10 years, but I’ve done the math and realize we met in Nashville when I was 24 years old, and he was just 20 years old. Next month I turn 37. We both now live in LA.

I’ve had the incredible pleasure of being his friend, collaborator, and cheerleader over the course of beginnings, endings, and in-betweens. He is a quiet man with a calm, composed and collected presence. Witnessing his creative vision and artistic gift never ceases to surprise and delight me — from fashion to music to commercial to portrait to event to street to interiors, oh and video, he can do it all. I’ve hinted at a book I was working on last year, and the photo above is your first peek — Zachary shot all of the imagery for it, it’s called Disarray, and it’s coming very soon (!!!).

Z, thanks for the endless inspiration and gentle nudges towards a more open-handed life. Your generous heart, wisdom and talent goes well beyond the camera. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but my memories with you are priceless.

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Transcribed, edited and condensed from our conversation on March 14, 2024.

Zachary: Hello.

Elise: Hi! I’m so excited to chat with you and feel very honored and appreciative, because this is not something you normally do. I know it’s hard to talk about yourself.

Zachary: Yes, but it’s nice to go past the threshold a little bit.

Elise: Haha, well how are you doing? What’s been going on lately?

Zachary: I’m good, I don't know what I've been doing. It's the last few weeks before things start to get crazy. I’m joining a two week tour with an artist I haven’t worked with before, which has brought lots of anticipation.

Elise: That is so cool. Congrats!

Zachary: Thanks! I don’t know anybody on the artist’s team, so it will be very different than touring with friends, but I will make new ones and it will be great.

Elise: I totally get that. But you know what life is like touring and on the road, so I’m sure once you get out there and find your groove, it’ll come naturally. You are so good at fitting in to any situation.

Zachary: I hope so, we’ll see. When I get back from that tour, I fly to Nashville to shoot with Elizabeth Suzann, then tour rehearsals with Paramore start back up, then off to Europe for the summer.

Elise: So busy, and I know you’re coming back to California to shoot our mutual friend’s wedding early this summer. Then out to Europe with Paramore for four months, opening up the Taylor Swift Era’s tour!

Zachary: Yeah, so I'm kind of in a period of just trying to get everything in order. I’ve been busy and have had lots of shoots lately, so I’m editing and trying to stay on top of it all.

Elise: I always love beginning with the question: what are you most excited about in this moment? Is there something you are most looking forward to?

Zachary: You know, I’m actually really bad at being excited about things, until it actually happens.

Elise: What do you tend to feel — is it more anxiety or hesitation?

Zachary: I definitely feel that leading up to things. I get overwhelmed a lot, but then I remind myself that everything's going to be fine once it happens. I work to get as much off my plate before the bigger projects occur.

Elise: So your excitement maybe comes in the moment, versus in the anticipation or lead up?

Zachary: Yes, that's how I am with everything. I don't know why I am that way.

Elise: Well, I do think you are so good at being present and engaged in the moment.

Zachary: I guess I have some daydreams of me just walking the streets with my little camera. It’ll be my first time in Europe, and being in situations that are not familiar excite me — trying out a new restaurant, seeing a new venue. I’m looking forward to visiting Barcelona.

Elise: Nice, I love that.

Zachary: I try to just stay composed, stay present. I have to be ready to take in or adapt with whatever is right in front of me.

Elise: Composed is such a good word to describe you.

Zachary: I like to feel like I am. So if I seem that way, then I think that's good.

Elise: Absolutely.

I can’t believe we’ve been collaborating for 10 years now…

Zachary: Yeah, maybe a little more. You kind of brought me into the fashion world, because before I was just shooting friends at my college.

Elise: So wild! One of my favorite shoot experiences with you was the first big shoot I brought you in on for Elizabeth Suzann, where Kristin Combs was modeling and we used those big cubes for the set. I also loved the photos from the shoot we did at Werthan Lofts before my very first pop-up with Wilder (captured above). I’m curious, do you have a favorite shoot that comes to mind?

Zachary: There have been so many. With a favorite shoot, it’s like: did I like the pictures that came from that shoot, or was it the experience that I loved about it? Or maybe even the process of trying a new camera. There’s so many factors.

Elise: That’s such a good point. I imagine you have different favorites for different things.

Zachary: I mean, I guess the perfect shoot has all of those things. It feels fun, everyone is collaborating and the photos turn out well.

Elise: Does that quote unquote perfect shoot happen very often?

Zachary: Not super often. I think the shoot for Paramore’s This Is Why album a couple years ago, that went pretty perfectly. There was so much preparation and planning that went into it, plus so many hands on-deck and a shot list — it was a very big production and not how I typically work.

Elise: Yeah, those photos are so incredible.

Zachary: I’m usually working on more of a smaller scale, which I also enjoy. I prefer to have the variety.

Elise: I get that. I think you have a real gift of being able to seamlessly step into whatever the situation may require of you, big or small.

Zachary: That’s nice for you to see. I do feel like that is one of my strengths.

Can you see this framed photo behind me on the wall?

Elise: Your place looks amazing! I’ve never come inside, ha!

Zachary: Well, that shoot was just me and the model, and I had the random idea of painting her yellow. I went to the beauty supply store and bought a wig. I didn’t know what exactly it was going to look like, but I had two things I wanted to try and it ended up all coming together in the studio. I still like that picture (shared below).

Elise: That’s so cool, and for you to have it framed on your wall… that’s a big deal for you!

Zachary: I know, it’s crazy.

There are some shoots where I learned a lot technically, or some shoots where I really learned how to connect with the person. It’s been so many years now, but photography is kind of like a service industry job, and also a social experiment. A lot of times you have limited interaction before this very intimate and personal thing, so you have to make sure everyone feels comfortable.

Elise: So true. Sometimes it’s just taking pictures, sometimes you are documenting or capturing a moment in time, or building out a visual story.

Zachary: It’s a very interesting profession, something I can do as a hobby and also make money with a camera. I feel very lucky to do it because it’s essentially just taking pictures.

Elise: Sure, but it’s a lot more than that too. You know I’m your biggest fan, you truly do it all. We’ve worked together on fashion shoots, studio work, interiors… and now you are touring with Paramore and other artists, documenting all of their live shows.

To me, the best photographers have a way of being present without intruding — and you do this so seamlessly and are able to capture such raw, intimate moments. How do you accomplish that?

Zachary: Sometimes I don't really know, I get so nervous before pretty much every shoot. And then something happens where, you know, you have to just do it. Everything goes back to sports with me — like track and running, for instance, I’d be so nervous before a race and then you get on the line and have to just go. Make something happen.

Elise: You have to just do it.

Zachary: That sounds more intense than it usually is, but it does kind of feel that way when I’m going into any shoot or interaction. No matter if it’s someone I know, a friend, a celebrity, a big brand or a small brand, I want to do a good job. I want to have my stamp on it and make photos that feel like both me and them. I think my whole identity is just staying out of the way, letting things happen and not trying to control the situation too much.

Elise: I’ve felt like a proud mom watching you grow and expand over the years. You are so fucking talented and just a really amazing person. You are always so open to life and possibilities, and tend to live life in receiving mode. 

Zachary: Receiving mode, that's a nice way to put it.

Elise: This is something I’ve been really trying to work towards, loosening my grip on life and opening myself up to new opportunities.

I remember back in the fall we were having a conversation with another dear friend, and started to speak on our strengths and weaknesses. The word “chameleon” comes to mind when I think of you — not like you force or mold yourself into something that isn’t authentically you — but your ability to bring something special and malleable to any situation.

Zachary: I’ve never thought about that. Sometimes it feels like I'm just lazy, you know, cause I'm not a go-getter. But I guess my strength would be being able to adapt and be comfortable in a lot of different situations.

I like to play pool a lot, and I often go out to play pool by myself and with strangers. I’m not great at showing myself who I am, so it’s easier for me to just let things happen in front of me that can then kind of shape things.

Elise: You are like a sponge — you love absorbing, observing and being around all types of people and projects. I remember talking about this recently, and you said you had an hour-long conversation with an unhoused person on the street, and it was the same week you were shooting a high-end dinner party. Being able to smoothly transition and attune to those various settings does not come naturally for many people.

Zachary: Yeah. It feels like it should, but I guess it doesn’t. I love the juxtaposition, I live in downtown LA and then will drive to West Hollywood to shoot a fancy event. I don’t always have a camera with me, I prefer to observe just to observe, taking in things without images.

Elise: I love that about you. You are never preoccupied with a camera. We can go out to dinner and you don’t even pull out your phone. These days, with social media and everything else constantly competing for our attention, it can be such a distraction. And with you, there is such intentionality — you can show up and give fully to whatever situation you may find yourself in.

Zachary: I like to keep things internal. Even some of my favorite pictures that I’ve ever taken, no one’s ever seen. I don’t really have the urge to share. I think I’m a little selfish when it comes to work, which is tricky because I understand it is also my career. It’s hard for me to be outward with a lot of things, not just pictures, you know, but in life.

Elise: I get it, and you are a true artist. It’s your career, how you make a living, but it’s also your art. And that’s sacred.

I’m so touched that you said yes to this interview with me, because I know that you are very private. I don’t think selfish is the right word, maybe protective at times. But I like that you protect your art and your craft, keeping it meaningful for yourself. What is one thing others would find surprising to learn about you?

Zachary: I’m a very simple person. I don’t know, I like to play chess a lot. I’m trying to find people to play in person with.

Elise: Do you have the patience to teach me? I’d love to learn and play together!

Zachary: Oh, I can teach you.

Elise: Dan and I got into backgammon during the pandemic. I still enjoy playing that from time to time.

Zachary: You can teach me that. I don't know how to play.

Elise: Perfect. What else?

Zachary: I think I can come across as being very interesting, but I’m very, very simple. I like kind of normal things. I like furniture, I like art, playing pool. I’ve been going to a Trivia Night every other Tuesday.

Elise: Are you good at it?

Zachary: It's hard! I feel like no one's really good, it’s all about getting enough people together who know certain, different things. I wouldn’t say I’m good, but I have categories that I know a lot about — anything sports-related or on the music side. I don’t know any movies. I don’t think I watched more than five movies all of last year.

Elise: No way! Do you not enjoy movies?

Zachary: I do love movies, I used to watch a lot more. I don't have a TV anymore, and I know I could get one and all of the subscriptions. Maybe it’s just from being on my screen all the time in other ways, but I feel like I’m seeing enough.

Elise: Let’s talk more about sports. You’ve been an athlete for so long and had a full scholarship to university for track. Tell me about what that was like growing up, and how it influences your life and work? Did you think that athletics would be your path professionally?

Zachary: I was in sports since a very young age, but art was always in there. I remember I won some small competitions for painting in kindergarten and first grade. I loved art, but once I got into sports, it kind of took over. I focused all my energy on that and it wasn’t until high school, my senior year, I took a drawing class.

I had a really cool teacher, and the final assignment was to draw a portrait. I drew a very realistic portrait of Michael Jackson. I remember thinking wow, I hadn’t drawn in so long and was able to still do that.

Elise: Amazing, I want to see!

Zachary: Yeah, and then I got a scholarship and felt like I had these two worlds — my art friends and my sports friends, and they never really overlapped. Even today I feel like I can identify with being an athlete more.

Elise: What makes you say that?

Zachary: Just with my instincts and the way I go about things. I’m still pretty active, and have been playing pickle ball with a bunch of friends recently. That’s also why I like chess and trivia. The competition is fun, because I don’t have that “try and beat someone at something” thing anymore.

It seems like the two worlds are always kind of separate, but I like both things and it’s okay to do both… and to keep that side of me alive, in a way.

Elise: That’s so important, and I love the word alive. At what hour of the day do you feel most alive, and do you have any rituals that support and encourage that time?

Zachary: Definitely morning. Early, early morning. I don't have any curtains in my place because I just love to get blasted by the sun. I usually burn some incense and then make coffee. I recently got a moka pot, I think it’s Italian. You put the coffee grounds in the bottom and it pours from the top.

Elise: Oh yes, that’s so romantic!

Zachary: And I got a guitar recently, so I’ve been messing around and practicing that a little bit.

Elise: I didn’t know that! Have you played before?

Zachary: I’ve known a few chords but have never owned a guitar. It’s been fun, and also very humbling. At this point in my life, now thirty-two, it feels nice to just go in on something as a beginner. I don’t want to be in a band or anything, I just want to be a bedroom musician.

Elise: Haha! I think it’s so important to have hobbies — things that are kind of just for ourselves. It can help to feed and sustain us in a different way, you know?

Zachary: Yeah, it’s crazy to see myself getting better at something with practice. I haven’t really felt that in a long time, actually.

Elise: That surprises me. In recent years with your photography work, you’ve started touring and shooting more live shows. Do you feel like you’ve been able to hone your craft in a new way, and see yourself get better?

Zachary: That’s true, I definitely have gotten better with that. But I guess guitar is different because it's just for me. The other stuff is for me in a way, but for other purposes, too. It’s harder for me to notice and feel. With touring, I’d never done anything like that. I don’t think I could actually look back at some of the first shows I shot, because it’s so bad.

Elise: Your idea of bad is probably very good to most.

Zachary: I don’t know, it was pretty rough. But I definitely got better.

Elise: How does the creative process differ when shooting performances versus real life versus brand work?

Zachary: I try to approach it all in the same way. I mean, there's times when I feel like I’m in robot mode, just pushing a button. I was doing a shoot on Friday and remember a distinct moment I had to pause. Yes, he needs these press shots, but I need to stick to whatever my vision is too. I have to remind myself to show my own point of view. Even at a concert, so many people are shooting this exact same thing. How can I come at it a little differently?

Elise: I’ve been around you on the road, and it’s so cool to see how much you move around and make yourself like a fly on the wall.

Zachary: Yeah, I think it helps me to stay active and keep looking. Keep trying different things and finding different perspectives.

Elise: I love that. Do you have any advice for aspiring photographers? Or something you wish you would have known?

Zachary: I think what has helped me is saying yes to everything. Literally everything, even still. I’m shooting a wedding in a couple months, and last month I shot a 50-year-old’s birthday party for someone I didn’t even know. I think everything kind of sharpens the tools in a different way.

I didn’t want to shoot the birthday party, but then I got there and it was a cool experience. I don’t want to limit myself or hold back in any way. If you want to do photography, do photography. I feel like I just kind of fell into every job situation. It just kind of happened.

Elise: It happened because you were proactive about saying yes, showing up, and delivering — time after time. It makes me emotional hearing you talk, and I feel really inspired by your words. I’ve been struggling with some work stuff, running into a lot of dead ends. My ego can really hold me back sometimes, and it’s humbling to talk with you in this way. You have such a healthy perspective and an openness to life, with self-assurance yet no sense of ego at all.

Zachary: Well, it's definitely been very hard for me. I think just allowing yourself to be in different situations and staying open, whatever or wherever that may be… you never know what might come of it.

Elise: I agree. Maybe one thing leads to the next, maybe you meet someone that becomes a close friend, or maybe sometimes it’s just something to help keep the lights on (literally or figuratively).

Zachary: Exactly. I’ve had times when there was only $300 in my bank account. I don’t have a credit card or anything, so I didn’t know how I was gonna do it. But then, all of these shoots come in back-to-back, and I know things will be fine. It’s a wave, and I’m good right now. I’m just lucky and always grateful for where I’m at.

Elise: Oh, the life of a freelancer! Ha! I relate to this so much. It’s incredibly up and down.

Zachary: Yeah, we have this high and low with everything.

Elise: Was there a shoot, or a moment, or a season that you really started believing in yourself and feel like you came into your own with your work?

Zachary: Hmm. I think I’ve gotten more confident every day, but living in Nashville really allowed me to hone in on what I was trying to do and find my point of view. I couldn’t have done that in the same way living in LA. Nashville gave me a freedom to be creative, to rent a studio for cheap, to collaborate with so many people. Being there for almost ten years helped to equip me and build a foundation for success out here.

Elise: I connect to that. Having grown up in Nashville, I have a more pessimistic, layered relationship with it, but I do resonate with that at my core. In terms of who I am today, what I do, and what I have to offer — I think Nashville and its supportive, talented creative community played a monumental part in it.

Zachary: There was a period of my 20s where I felt more loose with everything, throwing things at the wall. Now I want to get back to that kind of mindset again. I remember I had a Snapchat and would do these daily little things, like pick the color yellow, and then post anything I saw that was yellow that day. No one really even followed my Snapchat, but it felt fulfilling for me.

Elise: Yeah, you were experimenting more.

Zachary: I would like to get back to that. But maybe I won’t, cause that was my twenties. It’s different now, but I think about that time a lot. All the shoots we did together, all of that was building.

Elise: You mentioned the word success, and I’d love to know: what does success mean to you?

Zachary: I want to say success for me is just being comfortable. But I don’t know, I think success is different checkpoints — little moments — where you realize, wow that was really special. Then you know you’ll carry on, and then there’s maybe another moment. It’s not about arriving at a certain place, I would just like to continue to have lots of special moments and interactions, and be proud of whatever I’m doing, whether that’s work or not. One thing at a time.

Elise: Thank you for your wisdom and insight, Zachary. I have cherished our time together. I read these words earlier this morning (by Beau Taplin from his book of poetry called Here at Dawn), that feel like a kindred place to close:

“Perhaps you are not yet where you ‘feel’ you should be, but from one dreamer to another, a careful word of advice.

You could reach every last one of your goals and still find yourself unfulfilled at the finishing line.

The true essence of life exists in the between. It is in the striving that your excellence is exposed to the world. It is in the setbacks that the strength of your spirit is learned.

In the unfinished dream lies the full and burning heart of life. It is only a spell of the mind, an artful deception, that you might find fulfillment in fame, fortune, or power.

Life is lived here. In the distance you have still left to travel. This is where the true magic happens.”

Zachary: So true. Thank you! It’s been good to think about these things. A nice reset.

Still Life, refers to the notion of “stillness” — quieting the noise and seeking to capture a glimpse into this very moment in time. This bimonthly series is a conversation between Elise and various creatives. View past publications here.

Credits: Photos of Zachary captured by Zac Farro. All other photos are by Zachary Gray, including an iPhone snap of his Los Angeles apartment.

Share DUENDE

An intense wind event blew through Southern California recently, with winds reaching sixty miles per hour in the Los Angeles area. The gusts knocked out power, toppled trees and blocked roads. Our enormous, heavy firestick plant went tumbling across the backyard. I watched out the window and listened to the roar in eerie disbelief. Here I was, at the same moment, blustering amidst my own personal, strong winds of change. 

I’m writing this newsletter from a new home in Eagle Rock, on the evening before I start a new job. I’m signing off on production for an art book I made last year with my husband. I just booked an appointment to chop off my hair next month. Change is coming, change is here.

I had hit a wall again, feeling so perplexed about my purpose in life, in my career, in my relationships. I knew I needed to do things differently. As a longtime freelancer and entrepreneur, I can be on top of the world or at the bottom of the barrel — sometimes in the same day. I’m tired.

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I’ve been on the hamster wheel and stuck in a reactionary approach to my life, and it was time to kind of burn it all down and rebuild. On a flight to visit my parents last week, I listened to a podcast on the Japanese philosophy of ikigai. Ikigai is a concept that blends two words: “iki” meaning “to live,” and “gai” meaning “reason,” and refers to something that gives a person a sense of purpose, or a reason for being.

The ikigai diagram shows four areas of convergence: what you love, what you’re good at, what the world needs, and what you can be paid for. The very center, where each area overlaps, is your ikigai, and what you should aim for to find ultimate fulfillment. I notice how I frequently gallop towards one without the other, and this framework brought a new lens to something I’ve struggled with for years. I’ve found myself jotting down words like stability, structure and community.

Speaking of community, I am so happy to announce that Kristine Claghorn and I are hosting another free, 30-minute virtual event next Friday, April 5th at 9:30am PT. Kristine will be sharing a lesson, tools and practices on building self-worth, and you can register for free via this link.

I have some other exciting announcements about work, life and creative projects that I can’t wait to share with you soon, so please stay tuned. And I’m sorry this note came so late into this month — I’ve got an inspiring Still Life conversation also coming to your inbox this weekend, so you’re not getting rid of me quite yet.

With Love,
Elise

NOTEWORTHY

—“Women Holding Things” by Maira Kalman.

—How to get shit done on days you don’t feel like it. Swipe through the whole thing, it’s so good.

—Some really sound advice.

PLEASURE

Report Magazine has some of the most beautiful imagery I’ve seen in a long while.

The perfect pair of pants that I will definitely be buying myself for my birthday.

A “life-changing loaf of bread” — one of my favorite easy breakfasts that I’ve been making on repeat this month.

CONTEMPLATING

Steps To Build Self-Worth. Kristine Claghorn shares a precursor to our free virtual event next Friday.

Millennials And Gen-Z Want Original Movies And TV, Not Remakes. Can’t say I disagree with this!

The Supper Club Turning Strangers Into Friends. Including five great questions to ask at a dinner party.

Photo Credit: Villa Empain, The Boghossian Foundation, by Tom Dagnas.